Hide Notes Auto Open Notes Contact us!

Women In Congress

by Aristophanes

A play wherein women take over the Athenian government. Staged at the College of Charleston, UCLA, and the Northern Academy of Performing Arts. Interested in putting on the play? Please contact translators Amanda Krauss or Jess Miner.

Act I

The stage is dark and silent. A door is faintly visible stage left.

A woman walks onstage, dressed in a long tunic with a cloak slung over it. A veil conceals her face and a false beard hangs from her neck. A laurel wreath dangles from one wrist, hitting the walking stick she carries in her hand. Balancing these items carefully, she uses her other hand to hold an Aladdin-style lamp in front of her, with the flame rising from its snout. Her feet are clad in ostentatiously large boots.

She holds lamp aloft and addresses it with exaggerated solemnity.1

PRAXAGORA

O bright eye of clay-cast lamp, Grandest invention of artisans wise!
Allow your pedigree to be revealed:
The mighty potter threw you on his wheel
(squinting at the snout)
Your nostrils became a lighthouse of sun.
(waving it about)
Send out the secret signals of your flame.
'Tis you we trust in pursuit of Aphrodite's ways...
On the bedstand you sit while we try to get laid.
(bringing the lamp eye level, she chides it affectionately)
Your watchful eye cannot be banned From rooms with bodies banging.
You light up our thighs in bloom You singe hairs from our flow'ring hoo-hahs.2

She illustrates with appropriate gestures, ending with flourish.

You conspire to 'lift' the gifts of Bacchus, Springing wine jugs from pantry prison.

She pirouettes dramatically, bowing to the lamp.

She pulls the veil off her head and drops the tragic posturing --but she's still talking to the lamp.

(fondly) And you do all that without blabbing to the neighbors.

She puts down the wreath and walking stick as she cradles the lamp in her other hand.

For that, you get to know about the the plans we devised at the Scira festival.3 My friends should've been here by now, but not a single one has come and it's almost dawn already. Congress will convene any second now. We've got to get seats there, and — as Phyromachus4 once said — "ladies must be seated without attracting attention."

She looks around.

So what the hell's going on?! Maybe they didn't get ahold of the fake beards like they said they would? Or, maybe they had a hard time stealing their husbands' coats without getting caught? (straining to see) But wait! I see a light up ahead! I'd better hide. Whoever's coming might be a man.

Praxagora steps back into the shadows.

Several women approach from various points offstage. They creep through the darkness without lamps, but otherwise they are wearing the same get-up as Praxagora — though perhaps they don't pull it off as elegantly. Some trip over their boots; others haven't draped their cloaks quite right.

WOMAN ONE

(to the others) It's time to go—I just heard the second cock-a-doodle-doo.

Praxagora sighs with exasperation and steps forward.

PRAXAGORA

I was the one up all night waiting for you guys.

She looks stage left, expectantly.

I guess I'd better get my neighbor. I'll knock lightly on her door so her husband won't hear and she can sneak out.

She creeps steathily stage left, crouching so as not to be seen. She barely taps. A woman's head appears from behind the door.

WOMAN TWO

(whispering loudly) Just a second!

The neighbor's head disappears for a moment. Then she appears in full, wearing the same get-up as the other women. She runs as delicately as possible in her boots, tripping across the stage to meet Praxagora.

I was putting on my shoes when I heard you knock. I swear I wasn't asleep — my husband's a navy guy,5once he sets sail he "rows" me all night. I couldn't steal his coat 'til just now.

Praxagora cocks her head, as though she hears something. She turns stage right.

PRAXAGORA

Oh look, I see Kleinaréte…and Sostráte…and Philainéte.6

More strangely attired women approach from stage right. Praxagora addresses the newcomers sternly.

Why didn't you get here sooner? (shaking her finger) Don't you remember our bet? We swore the last to show up would have to pay up: three jugs of wine and a bag of chickpeas!7

Woman One points and laughs at a woman having trouble with her shoes.

WOMAN ONE

(to Praxagora) Hey, do you see Melistíche, plodding along in her husband's shoes?8

PRAXAGORA She's not too quick....But that's not her husband's fault.

A woman staggers onstage with a torch in her right hand, and almost falls flat on her face as she trips over her boots. She shuffles sheepishly to the back of the crowd.

Woman One barely conceals a laugh.

WOMAN ONE

And do you see the barkeep's wife, Booze-istrata,9 over there?

More women enter. Woman Two looks them over critically.

WOMAN TWO

Yeah! And I see Philodoretus' wife, and Chairetades' wife,10 and lots of others — the city's finest!

WOMAN THREE

(slightly out of breath) Sweetie, I tried to sneak out, but my husband stuffed himself with sardines. He was up (she shudders with disgust) belching all night. I had the worst time getting away.11

Other women nod sympathetically and mutter in agreement. They're just starting to compare war stories when Praxagora gestures for silence.

PRAXAGORA

OK, everyone. Please take your seats. We established our goals at the festival for Athena last summer. Now that you're all here, I need to find out if you've achieved your objectives.

A woman thrusts up her hand eagerly.

WOMAN ONE

(breathlessly) Ooo, I did! My armpits are scruffier than an overgrown shrub, just like we agreed. And then, whenever my husband was off at work, I oiled up my arms and legs and worshipped the sun all day. Look at my farmer's tan!12

She shows off her tan proudly. The women mumur their approval.

Woman Two raises her hand just as eagerly, revealing an impressive shock of armpit hair. Some women gasp in horror.

WOMAN TWO

Me too! My razor? I chucked it right in the trash. I'm so stubbly, you'd think I was a man. Or at least a drag king.

The rest of the women look at her with a combination of admiration, disgust, and curiosity. Praxagora tries to bring their attention back to the task at hand.

PRAXAGORA

Speaking of which, (holding her fake beard up) do you all have your beards?? Remember, we all agreed to bring them.

Woman One waves her beard in the air, still an eager beaver.

>WOMAN ONE

(proudly) Heck-a-te yeah.13The one I've got's real nice!

WOMAN TWO

(not to be outdone) And mine's far better than Ol’ Longbeard’s!14Arrrr!

The two wave their beards competitively at each other. Praxagora ignores them andturns to the rest of the women.

PRAXAGORA

What about the rest of you? Do you have yours?

All the women nod; some say "yes" with varying degrees of enthusiasm.

WOMAN THREE

(to Praxagora) Looks like they have them.

PRAXAGORA

(approvingly) Good. I see that you've met my expectations. You’ve managed to rustle up men’s shoes, staffs, and coats, just like we agreed.15

Woman One can't help but brag as she brandishes an obscenely long rod.

WOMAN ONE

Even better, I nabbed the honorable Mr. Lame-ass's rod16while he slept!

Some of the women touch the staff with approval. Woman Two inspects it thoroughly.

WOMAN TWO

(skeptically) Is it that the one he leans on to fart?

Several women snicker knowingly. Praxagora drops her authoritative façade for a moment.

She turns away from the group and addresses the audience directly.

PRAXAGORA

(conspiratorially) Zeus Almighty, of all politicians that fart-monster should just put on a hundred-holed leather vest, and ride his cattle straight to hell!17

She resumes her position of authority.

(forcefully) Anyhow, let's move on to the next item while it's still dark out.

She squints at the sky.

We don't have much time to prepare—Congress begins at daybreak.

Murmurs of agreement from the women.

WOMAN ONE

Yes, and we need to snag those front-row seats, the ones right across from the speaker’s podium.18

Woman Two holds up a bundle of knitting.

>WOMAN TWO

Hey, look what I brought! Now I can knit19 while Congress gets started!

Praxagora turns to look at Woman Two, not believing what she has just heard.

PRAXAGORA

Knit, you idiot?

WOMAN TWO

What? (defensively) By the chaste bosom of Artemis, don't you think I can knit and listen at the same time? My kids are practically naked!

PRAXAGORA

(disgustedly) Great. Picture that. The whole point is to fit in with the men, and there you are knitting with your legs exposed. We'd be pretty screwed if some woman clambered over a full Congress like that and flashed her "Phromisius"20 But if we get there early enough, we can go "under cover".

Praxagora demonstrates this by tightly wrapping the coat around her, concealing her body.

And when we attach our beards and let 'em all hang out, who wouldn't think we’re men?

She quickly pulls her beard up to cover her face, then puts it down.

WOMAN ONE

Right! (pointing at the audience) That guy Agyhrrius used to be a woman, but with Pronomos's21 beard, he passes. And now look at him: he's in charge of the whole city!

The women laugh in agreement.

Praxagora draws herself up, speaking in an ostentatiously serious tone.

PRAXAGORA

Just like him, on this day, we must brave so brazen a feat.

Her speech gains momentum.

We must somehow seize the affairs of state and do something good for the city. Right now we're neither captains nor rowers on the ship of state.

WOMAN ONE

(earnestly) But wait, how can a bunch of harebrained women run Congress?? PRAXAGORA Best of all, I think. They say the best politicians got pounded most as interns.22 As it happens, getting screwed comes naturally to us!

Woman One looks skeptical.

WOMAN ONE

I’m not so sure. We still lack experience.

PRAXAGORA

But that's exactly why we're here—to prepare for our moment in Congress. So you put on your beard right away. (turning to the other women) And the same goes for the rest of you. If you're planning on speaking in there, you'd better practice.

WOMAN ONE

Hon, which woman here doesn't already know how to talk?!

PRAXAGORA

(exasperated) Just put on your beard and be a man already.

The women begin to put on their beards. Praxagora picks up her own laurel wreath.

I'll keep my wreath and beard nearby, just in case I decide to speak.

The women help each other put on the beards properly, straightening them and tying them tightly.

WOMAN TWO

Hey, Praxagora! Come over here. It’s a nightmare! Check out how ridiculous this is!

PRAXAGORA

What's so ridiculous?

WOMAN ONE

(in hysterics) It's as if you stuck a beard on a seared squid!23

Praxagora sighs and stares blankly at the woman. Deciding she's not going to make progress with this one, she starts the ritual that begins Congress. She walks solemnly around the women, then turns to a woman next to her.

PRAXAGORA

Priestess, bring out the weasel!24

The woman brings out a stuffed weasel. Praxagora takes it and waves it ceremonially. She sets it aside.

(calling Congress into session) Everyone please come to the front.

(to an errant woman) You there! Stop talking.25Come here and sit down.

The woman does

Who wishes to speak?

WOMAN ONE

I do.

PRAXAGORA

Please put on the wreath.

The woman does.

Good luck to you.

WOMAN ONE

(straightening her wreath) All set.

PRAXAGORA

You may begin speaking.

WOMAN ONE

What?! Without a drink?

PRAXAGORA

A drink?!?!

WOMAN ONE

Yes, a drink. (with a flourish) Why else would I put on this stupid wreath?26

Praxagora grabs the wreath from the woman's head.

PRAXAGORA

Get out! You would have ruined us in there.

WOMAN ONE

Huh? Don't they drink in Congress?

PRAXAGORA

(disgusted) You and your "don't they drink"….

WOMAN ONE

By the Jaeger-mistress,27 I know they do — straight up! Their legislation is trashed and they vote like drunks. For Zeussakes, think about it. Politicians only pray if they're drinking.28 They abuse each other like winos, until the police drag out the biggest boozer...

PRAXAGORA

Go sit down. You're useless.

WOMAN ONE

(grumbling to herself) Zeus29 I wish I had never grown this damned beard. As it is, I'm about to die of thirst….

PRAXAGORA

Does anyone else wish to speak?

WOMAN TWO

(somewhat timidly) I do.

PRAXAGORA

Go ahead and put on the wreath.

Praxagora starts to worry that this isn't going to work. (to herself, trying to bolster her own confidence)

There’s no turning back now.

As the woman puts on the wreath, Praxagora decides to try more of a "coach" tactic.

All right now, speak in a good manly fashion. (gruffly) Lean your weight on that stick.

WOMAN TWO

(taking up a convincing politician’s tone) My friends, I for my part would have preferred to sit by quietly, if only a senior member of Congress had in fact advised the best course of action. But as it is, I cannot allow these taverns of ill repute to keep filling their kegs — with water! I will not stand for this, by the Twins!30

Caught up in excitement, she puts both hands to her breasts and drops her stick.

PRAXAGORA

By the Twins, you moron?! Have you lost your mind?

WOMAN TWO

What did I do? I didn't ask you for a drink?!

PRAXAGORA

Zeus Almighty, you’re supposed be a man, yet you swore on the Twins! She sighs disappointedly and removes the wreath from the woman's head. Otherwise, you spoke perfectly.

WOMAN TWO

Oh man…ummm…."By Apollo"!?!

PRAXAGORA

Just stop! I will not take another step towards Congress unless we are completely prepared.

WOMAN TWO

Give back the wreath. (She grabs it.) I want to speak again. (with dignified resolve) I believe I have perfected my speech.

She composes herself and begins her speech again.

In my opinion, ladies of the Congress…

PRAXAGORA

Ladies!? Again, you boob? You're talking to men!!

WOMAN TWO

(pointing to an audience member) It’s because of him. (gestures) That twinkle toes Epigonos31 over there. I saw him and thought I was talking to women!

PRAXAGORA

(resignedly) Go away, you, and sit down. Thanks to you all, now I have to take the wreath and do the job myself…

She does. She puts on the wreath, then holds her arms out with palms up.

I begin by praying to the gods for their help with bringing our deliberations to success.

She pauses dramatically.32

My fellow Congressmen, I am distressed. My stake in this country is the same as yours, and yet my heart is burdened by the current state of affairs. How is it that we constantly elect criminals to office? If one of these men chooses to act responsibly for just one day, he will be twice as corrupt for the next ten. Say we turn to another for guidance --his misconduct will, no doubt, be even worse.

She pauses dramatically, again.

Now, let me be clear, the prospect of giving advice to hardheaded Congressmen like you is daunting --daunting because, without fail, you fear men who take your side and chase after those who openly oppose you.

As we all know, before Congress existed at all, no one failed to recognize the corruption of a leader like Aghyrrius.33 But now that there is a Congress, anyone under the spell of money praises the system. Others denounce corruption and proclaim death as a punishment for greed, but they themselves are no less covetous.34

WOMAN ONE

By Aphrodite's nightie, that sounds great!

Without missing a beat Praxagora turns to smack the woman with her wreath.

PRAXAGORA

You moron! You swore by Aphrodite?!?! Great move, if you said that in Congress.

WOMAN ONE

But I wouldn't.

PRAXAGORA

Don't do it now, then. She resumes a dignified oratorical posture.

At the time when we deliberated about joining our allies in war, some were saying that our city would be destroyed if there was no alliance.35 But as soon as we forged the alliance, everyone was outraged, and the politician who urged this plan36 immediately went into hiding.

Next we're told that we need a surge in naval forces—an attractive option to the desperate, perhaps, but not to the rich or the farmers attached to their land.37

As it is, one moment you are enraged at the Corinthian anti-war faction and they at you; the next, they are brilliant and so are you.38 And how is it that a war-monger from Argos is stupid, but our own Hieronymus is wise?39

At last a chance for peace peeks through, but then that hawk Thrasybulus ruins it; he is angry because he was not consulted.40

WOMAN ONE

(referring to Praxagora) Wow, that man is clever!

Praxagora winks encouragingly.

PRAXAGORA

Now you're talkin'!

She returns to her speech.

Men of Congress, this is your fault. You are to blame because, even though you receive your paycheck from this government, each of you is intent on personal gain. You have shown no concern for the public good. You have thrown it under the chariot, just like Aesimus.41

The choice is ours. If you are willing to follow my advice, we can still save the city. (Pause) I propose that we hand our city over to the women --the women who have, in fact, already acted as governors and treasurers in our own homes.

The women cheer loudly.

WOMAN ONE

(pounding her staff rhythmically on the ground) Right on, right on, by Zeus, right on!!

WOMAN TWO

(also pounding her staff) More, more! Speak on, good man!

Praxagora, now caught up in her own successful delivery, takes it over top. She settles the crowd with her hands.

PRAXAGORA

Thank you, thank you. Please. Let me explain. Women surpass us in every way. To begin with, they, every last one of them, dye wool the old-fashioned way --in hot water! You would never see a single woman doing something new. The Athenian city, on the other hand, does not know the meaning of the word "tradition". Even if a practice is useful, the city can't stop itself from trying out some strange alternative.

But women...

Women sit down to shuck and roast corn, same as always.
They use their heads for transporting goods, same as always.
They dutifully host the state fair42 each year, same as always.
They bake cakes, same as always.
They harass their husbands....

Praxagora waits expectantly. The chorus of women catches on and chimes in from now on.

PRAXAGORA AND CHORUS OF WOMEN

...same as always!

PRAXAGORA

They sneak their lovers inside the house...

PRAXAGORA AND CHORUS OF WOMEN

...same as always!

PRAXAGORA

They nibble on bonbons...

PRAXAGORA AND CHORUS OF WOMEN

...same as always!

PRAXAGORA

They like their wine "full-bodied"...

PRAXAGORA AND CHORUS OF WOMEN

...same as always!

PRAXAGORA

They like a good fuck...

PRAXAGORA AND CHORUS OF WOMEN

...same as always!

The women cheer even more loudly. Praxagora takes advantage of the laughter to return to a more serious point.

Now is the time to act, men of Congress. Let us not engage in needless debate about handing the city over to the women, nor enquire what they intend to do. Rather, let us simply allow them to govern, taking these few facts into consideration: as mothers, their top priority will be to save our soldiers, their sons. Who, I ask, would be quicker to send provisions than a mother? And when it comes to managing money, a wife is the most resourceful of all. Once they're in power, we won't have to worry about women being cheated — women spend their whole lives cheating others.

I could go on, but I will stop there. Consider that if you adopt my plan, the rest of your lives will be spent in carefree bliss.

The women clap enthusiastically.

WOMAN ONE

Praxagora, that was amazing! Where the hell did you learn to speak like that?

PRAXAGORA

During the war my husband and I were living in the refugee camps near city hall.43 I could hear the Congressmen debating from there and, after a while, I figured out how to speak like a politician.

WOMAN ONE

Well, no wonder you're so savvy.

Woman One looks around. The other women nod their approval.

Woman one extends her hand formally.

The women here are ready to help you accomplish your agenda. We hereby offer you the position of commander-in-chief.44

Praxagora takes her hand. They shake on it.

But what if that asshole potter, Kephalos,45 comes after you while you're speaking? What would you say to him?

PRAXAGORA

I'll tell him he's a psycho...46

WOMAN ONE

Everybody knows that already.

PRAXAGORA

...and that he's a black-biled crackpot…47

WOMAN ONE

Everyone knows that too.

PRAXAGORA

And that he's no better at running the city than he is at manufacturing shitty dinnerware.48

The women laugh.

WOMAN ONE

But what if that blind son-of-a-bitch Neocleides49 tries to take you down?

PRAXAGORA

I'd tell him to stare up a dog's butt.50

More laughter.

WOMAN ONE

What if they try to pound on you?

PRAXAGORA

I'll pound them right back. (She thrusts rhythmically back and forth.) I've got a lot of experience at pounding.

The women hoot and holler.

WOMAN ONE

One last question. What if the security guards try to drag you out? What would you do then?

PRAXAGORA

I'll elbow them in the ribs, like this.

She demonstrates, nearly slamming Woman One to the ground.

There's no way they could pin me.

Woman One, now riled up, tries to join in the militant revolution.

WOMAN ONE

Yeah, and if they did get you, we'd...we'd tell them to...(lamely ) let go!

This elicits half-heartedly militant roars from the rest of the women. Woman One looks thoughtful.

WOMAN ONE

Our plan seems pretty good so far, but there's still a problem we need to resolve: When it's time to vote, how will we remember to hoist our hands? We only know how to spread our legs!

PRAXAGORA

Hmm, that is a problem.

She thinks for a moment.

Nevertheless, we must vote with our hands. Simply uncover your right arm (she pulls her sleeve up) and raise it (she demonstrates).

The rest of the women imitate her with varying degrees of success. A few still raise their legs.

Praxagora circulates among the women, helping them with the final touches.

(to one group) C'mon now, pull up your tunics and put on your shoes. Pretend you're your husband going to Congress. (to another group) Once you've got that down, put on your beards.

She now addresses the group at large.

Once your beards are securely attached, throw on those stolen coats, and lean on your staffs. Hobble along and sing some tune like grandpa would— try not to look too cultured!

The women finish their preparations and form messy lines of troops. Woman One stands at the head of one line.

WOMAN ONE

We're ready. (to her troops) Let's go on ahead. The women who couldn't join us will head straight from their farms to the city hall.

PRAXAGORA

We have to hurry. Anyone not there by dawn is turned away empty-handed.

A chorus of women dressed as men enters. They join the women already onstage, and all march offstage towards Congress, singing a happy song.

CHORUS LEADER

Time for us men to head out. We have to say "men" every time so we don't slip out of character. The punishment won't be small if we're caught trying to pull off this crazy scheme.

The chorus breaks into two semi-choruses. The first semi-chorus steps forward.

Onward to Congress, "men"!
If you don't show up first thing...
Dusty from the running, full of grits and grinning,51 looking hot as salsa…52
Well, you won't get your cash!53

The leader of the first semi-chorus addresses them, still pretending they are men.

Hey, Drakes, hop to it!
Step it up, Smikythos! 54follow me!
Don't make a wrong move.
Get your ticket55 and sit in tight formation.56 Prepare to vote for female domination -
Wait! What'd I say just then?!
I meant, "the country should be run by men."

The first semi-chorus steps back. The second steps forward, and their Chorus Leader now addresses the chorus and the audience, taking on the persona of a crusty old man.

When those city boys arrive, drive them away! (Recalling the past) When the pay was crap, where were they?57 Sitting on their asses, wasting time with florists,58 stringing fancy garlands and talking shop

But now they're ready to fight their way into Congress?!

Not good old Myronides! Back in the day,59
when he was in charge, no one dared ask for pay
just for doing his Zeus-sworn civic duty.
Lugging his thermos and hauling his lunch,
Every guy showed up with something to munch: Two onions, three olives, a slice of bread...
But now they're just looking for the dough,

Like those goddamn day laborers.60

The "men" grumble their agreement loudly, then shuffle offstage in a huff.

ACT II

The stage is dark. Suddenly, a spotlight reveals a man in a bed. He rises with a start.

BLEPYROS

What the…?!?!

He looks around.

Where'd that woman run off to now? It's still dark, and she's nowhere to be found.

(groaning) I've been lying here, needing to take a shit.

He moves to get out of bed, looking around.

I'm never gonna find my shoes and coat in the dark.

He hastily wraps his naked body in a sheet. Holding it awkwardly around himself, he crawls desperately around the stage, darting in and out of vision.

I'm groping around like a blind man here. Meanwhile, the shit collector's already been knocking at my back door.

He searches a bit more, then gives up. He stands up, still clutching the sheet to his body with his elbows, while holding a gauzy-looking piece of fabric in one hand and a fuzzy pair of his wife's mules in the other.

Forget it. I'm just gonna have to put on my wife's nightie and these fancy slippers.

He awkwardly puts on the nightie and slippers and exits the house. The spotlight follows him as begins to search frantically outside. During his monologue, his tone varies along with the relative urgency of his physical state.

But where could a guy go to find a good spot to shit?

He's now wandering around the stage, deep in thought.

(shrugging philosophically at the audience ) Well, since it's dark out, there's no bad place to shit, is there? (Chuckles.) No one's gonna see me anyway.

Blepyros hesitates. Half-squats, holding his dress out of the way. Realizing he's wearing a dress, grasps the fabric angrily.

Zeusdammit! Why did an old bastard like me take a wife? I deserve a good beating for that one. She just took off and I know she's up to no good.

Assuming a more urgent position.

But when you gotta go, you gotta go.

A spotlight reveals The Neighbor as he enters stage left, wearing a dress and pumps. He spies Blepyros squatting.

NEIGHBOR

(almost to himself) Who's that there? He approaches Blepyros. (more loudly) Blepyros, that's not you, is it?

BLEPYROS

It sure as hell is.

NEIGHBOR

What is that flaming lingerie you're wearing? It looks like Kinesias exploded on you.61

BLEPYROS

(defensively) No, it's my wife's (struggling to find the right word) .... lemon-colored thingy.62(sheepishly) I had to put something on before I came out here.

The Neighbor looks at him disgustedly.

NEIGHBOR

Well, where's your coat?

BLEPYROS

That, I can't say. I ransacked the bedroom looking for it.

NEIGHBOR

Why not just make your wife tell you?

BLEPYROS

Zeus, man, you know, she wasn't actually there…She slipped out last night.

He strikes a tragic pose63—at least as much as he can while still squatting.

I fear there is some scheme afoot.

NEIGHBOR

By Poseidon's sea shell collection, the same thing happened to me! That wife of mine took off with my favorite coat. (incredulously) That’s not all, she took my shoes! I can’t find the damned things anywhere.

BLEPYROS

You too, by the grape-clusters of Dionysus?! I couldn’t find my dress shoes either—but I still had to shit. So I crammed my feet into these little frilly pumps...

The neighbor bends down suspiciously to inspect the slippers. Blepyros shifts his squat to one side and sticks his foot out.

(by way of explanation) ...to keep from shitting in my blanket.

The neighbor looks incredulous

What?....It was clean.

NEIGHBOR

Well then, what the hell’s going on? Maybe one of her friends invited her over for breakfast?

BLEPYROS

Yeah, you might be right.

NEIGHBOR

She’s not some skank, as far as I know.

Blepyros strains. The neighbor observes.

Wow, it looks like you’re trying to tug some sort of rope outta there.

He mimes checking his watch and starts backing away slowly.

Well...it looks like it’s time for me to go to Congress. If I can find my cloak, that is. It’s my only good one.

BLEPYROS

(still squatting) I’ll go too, as soon as I relieve myself. But right now it feels like there’s a friggin' potato plugging up my cornhole!64

NEIGHBOR

Hah. Let’s hope this blockade doesn’t last as long as the one against the islands!65

The neighbor exits. Blepyros, now alone, makes a face and grunts with extra effort.

BLEPYROS

By the grapes of Dionysus, I’m really stopped up. What I am going to do? It’s not just my current state – (getting more and more frantic) what about next time I eat? Where will the turds go? This tater tot from Spud-opolis66 has my silo yammed-up!

He turns to the audience, still in squatting position.

Can any of you get me a doctor? A specialist? Anyone a proctologist out there?67

(pointing) Oh, I know. There’s Amynon. He’s an ass man.68(disappointedly) Oh, right. He’s in the closet.69

A new idea hits him

Someone call Antisthenes STAT. I've heard those groans...that guy sure knows what a loaded asshole wants.70

He falls to his knees howling.

Goddess of natural childbirth!71

Dawn is just starting to break. Blepyros doesn't notice his neighbor Chremes approach.

CHREMES

Hey, you.

Blepyros continues howling. Chremes watches him writhe for a moment.

(more loudly) What are you doing? (disgusted) You're not taking a shit are you?

Blepyros stops howling. He looks up at Chremes. Waits a moment. Rises to his knees.

BLEPYROS

Who, me?

He stands up.

Technically, no.

Chremes eyes Blepyros' get-up.

CHREMES

Is that you wife's nightie you've got on?

BLEPYROS

(exasperated) It was dark. I happened to grab this. (changing the subject) So...where have you been?

CHREMES

Congress.

Blepyros looks at his nonexistent watch.

BLEPYROS

Is it over already?

CHREMES

For crying out loud—it was over by daybreak! They roped it off right away and --everloving Zeus! --left all of us slowpokes just standing there.72

BLEPYROS

Did you get your three bucks, at least?73

CHREMES

If only. I'm ashamed to say I got there too damned late and left with my wallet empty.

BLEPYROS

How's that possible?

CHREMES

A huge crowd showed up at Congress. The place was jam-packed with people I've never seen before. They looked like a bunch of white-collar types to us.74It was a whitey-white Congress. So I got nothing. Neither did a bunch of the other guys.

BLEPYROS

So if I went now I wouldn't get paid either?

CHREMES

Impossible. Not even if you got there before the cock crowed a second time.

Blepyros throws his hands up in frustration.

BLEPYROS

Alas! Wretched am I! (quoting Aeschylus)75"Antilochus, pity me, and not these coins --for I still live. All is lost."

He stops emoting.

What could've been so important that all these people showed up this morning?

CHREMES

(sarcastically) You mean aside from the President's desire to save the city?76

Chremes grimaces as he remembers.

And of course that fuzzy eye-hole Neocleides77 was the first one to slither up to the podium. The members of Congress shouted like you wouldn't believe: "How can this guy dare to advise us? He's the one telling us how to save the city, when he can't even save his own eyeball?"

Then he shouted back, eyeing them up: "What the hell should I do?"

BLEPYROS

(one beat behind) That's easy. You just mix up some garlic with fig juice, stir in a little Spartan spurge, and rub it on your eyelids right before bed.78(pleased with himself) That's what I woulda said if I'd been there!

Chremes rolls his eyes and ignores Blepyros.

CHREMES

(warming to his theme) And after him, Euaion,79 who's at least competent, came forward. – the poor bastard claimed he was wearing a coat but it was so tattered the crowd thought he was naked. He then spoke words that would appeal to any Democrat:80 (putting on a whiny voice in imitation of Euaion) "On the subject of safety, I'm sure you can see I myself need some bailing out – to the tune of four grand.81But nevertheless, I'm going to tell you how you can save the city and its people. When winter comes round, retailers should give coats to the needy.82That way, none of us would catch pneumonia. When a bed and bath are beyond their means, people should be allowed to sleep at the merchants' stores.83And if the merchant locks them out in wintertime, he should be fined three blankets!"

BLEPYROS

(speaking with wonder) Zeus in the sky, that's brilliant! If only he'd added unlimited food for the poor no one would ever vote against it.84 And if any store manager tried to wiggle out of it, they'd end up squealing like a stuck pig. Even that stinge Nausicydes85 would have to comply.

CHREMES

After that, an attractive young man, a bit pale (like Nikias86) jumped up to address the crowd. He started to say that we should hand the city over to the women. There was an immediate uproar, and the crowd of cobblers shouted their approval. But the farmers were rumbling and grumbling against it.

BLEPYROS

Well, they had a point, by God.

CHREMES

Too bad there weren't more farmers. The speaker outshouted them, claiming that women do a lot of good.

Chremes pauses, remembering something.

But, you know, he also said you were good for nothing.

BLEPYROS

(caught off gaurd) He said what?

CHREMES

(thinking back) Well, first he said you're a fuckup.

BLEPYROS

Me? What about you?

CHREMES

No, he didn't say anything about me. (thinking again) And also, that you're a thief.

BLEPYROS

Just me?

CHREMES

That's right. And that you're an ambulance-chaser.87

BLEPYROS

Just me?

CHREMES

Yes. And the rest of us too.

BLEPYROS

(shrugging in agreement) Well, who could deny that?

CHREMES

And he said that women are a sensible and resourceful sort. And then he said that they never spill the secrets of their religious festivals88 but that you and I always leak government information.

BLEPYROS

(nodding) And by Hermes, he wasn't lying about that.

The two laugh, remembering various secrets they've spilled.

CHREMES

And then he said that only women can lend each other nice coats, gold necklaces, money, and crystal goblets. AND they always give everything back! Without witnesses, without stealing....But, he kept saying, most of us do steal.

BLEPYROS

Yeah, even when there are witnesses!

CHREMES

Women don't trump up charges. They don't prosecute. They don't destroy our democracy. In fact, he said, they offer great benefits. And he continued to praise women to the skies.

BLEPYROS

What was decided?

CHREMES

To hand the city over to women. Everyone agreed this was the one thing our city hadn't tried yet.

For a moment, Blepyros is mute with amazement.

BLEPYROS

(dumbstruck) So it happened.

CHREMES

Yes, sir.

BLEPYROS

(catching on) So now women are in charge of everything that men, the only real citizens, used to do?

CHREMES

That's right.

BLEPYROS.

(still working it through) Wait. So, I don't have to go to court. My wife does?

CHREMES

And you don't have to support the kids you fathered anymore. Your wife does.

Blepyros starts to see the bright side of things.

BLEPYROS

And I don't have to drag my ass out of bed, groaning, at dawn anymore?

CHREMES

No sir. This is now the women's problem. You, my friend, can keep your ass at home, in bed. No groaning, just farting the day away.

BLEPYROS

(starting to panic) But wait. We’re old. I'm afraid that, now that the women have grabbed the reins, they'll force us to…

CHREMES

(also panicking) To do what?!?

Blepyros pauses dramatically.

BLEPYROS

To...fuck them!

CHREMES

(panicking more) What if we can't?

BLEPYROS

(nearly hysterical) Yeah, they won't give us breakfast!

The two start pacing frantically, trying to figure out what to do. Chremes mimes fellatio.

CHREMES

Just do this. That way you can eat and fuck at the same time!

BLEPYROS

(despairingly) Oh, it's just the worst when you're not in the mood!

They stop pacing and droop with resignation. Chremes takes a deep breath for courage.

CHREMES

Well, if it will help the city, every man should comply.

BLEPYROS

(still distressed, but trying) It's like that old saying: no matter how moronic and dumb our government, it will all turn out just fine for us.

Chremes shakes his head.

CHREMES

I sure as hell hope it will. But I've gotta go. You take care.

BLEPYROS

You too, Chremes.

The two men part ways and exit on opposite sides of the stage.

ACT III

The stage lights up as dawn turns into morning.

Later that morning, a chorus of women enters, still dressed as men

CHORUS

Step out! Go forth!
Is a man on our tail?
Turn back! Look out!
Nosy men are about!
Look ahead! Watch your back!
Some spy from behind might glimpse our design.

Pound the ground! Thump your feet loud!
We're facing disgrace
If the men find out!
You there-Keep the line tight!

Look back. Look front.
Look left. Look right.
Don't let disaster strike!

Let's make our move,
Get back to where we started.

Look, our leader's house!
She schemed and won the day!

Why wait? Don't linger.
No longer's the time for beards.
If we're caught, we're denounced,
enshrouded in fear.

Quick, over here! Hide in the shadows,
Behind this wall.
Be sure the coast is clear,
Change back to what you were.

But do it fast-I see our fearless leader,
Coming back from Congress!

And hurry...
Hate that bristly beard on your face.
This get-up has got to go!

Praxagora enters, still dressed for Congress.

PRAXAGORA

(to chorus) OK, ladies, it looks like we've accomplished our objectives here. So rip off your coats before some man sees us. Your shoes have to come off. You there, untie those dress shoes. Everyone, drop your sticks.

The women scramble to remove their men's attire. Praxagora turns to Woman One.

You, keep them in line.

She turns back to the chorus.

I'm hoping to sneak inside without my husband seeing me. I've got to put his coat back and the other things I stole.

CHORUS

We've done everything you said. What else can we do to assist you? It's your job to show us, you're the smartest woman we know!

PRAXAGORA

Stick around --I'll need you as my advisors for this new government. Back there in the fray, you really manned up against the enemy.

The chorus beams, then turns and marches offstage. Praxagora waits for a moment, then exits.

The stage turns dark, but a light gradually reveals Blepyros standing on one side of the stage. He is still wearing the nightie and mules. Two chairs stand next to him, indicating the house.

Praxagora tiptoes onstage, trying not be seen — but the motion catches Blepyros' eye.

BLEPYROS

(sternly) Where were you, Praxagora?

PRAXAGORA

(innocently) Is there a problem, sweetie?

BLEPYROS

Yes, there's a problem. (Turns aside, to audience) She's not that bright, is she?

Prxagora strikes an ostentatiously indignant pose.

PRAXAGORA

You're not accusing me of sleeping with another man, I hope.

BLEPYROS

(still talking to the audience, chuckling) Not just one.

Blepyros still faces away from Praxagora. Praxagora places herself squarely in front of him.

PRAXAGORA

You can interrogate me if you want.

BLEPYROS

What do you mean?

She moves her neck near his nose.

PRAXAGORA

See if my neck smells like perfume.

BLEPYROS

What? Are you telling me that a woman can't get laid without wearing perfume?

PRAXAGORA

(aside, to the audience) I sure as hell can't.

BLEPYROS

So why did you sneak out last night with my coat?

PRAXAGORA

A good friend of mine was in labor and wanted me there.

BLEPYROS

Couldn't you have told me before you left?

PRAXAGORA

And neglected my friend in pain?

BLEPYROS

Well, you still could have told me. Something's not right here.

PRAXAGORA

(with exaggerated exasperation) Goddesses almighty,89 I just went as I was. She needed me to get there as soon as possible.

BLEPYROS

So you couldn't have taken your own coat? Instead you left me here like a goddamned corpse, stripped and wrapped in a shroud! Only you forgot the flowers and formaldehyde.90

PRAXAGORA

(meekly) But I was cold. And I'm so small and delicate. (She shivers dramatically.) I only did it to keep warm. And sweetie, I did leave you warm and snug in the covers.

BLEPYROS

Oh, so my shoes and cane just walked off with you?

PRAXAGORA

I was...(improvising) trying to imitate you, stomping your feet and beating the ground with your stick...so I wouldn't get mugged.

BLEPYROS

Do you know that you've lost us our groceries91 for the week? I couldn't make it to Congress...

PRAXAGORA

Don't worry. A baby boy was born.

Blepyros is only half paying attention.

BLEPYROS

In Congress?92

PRAXAGORA

No, you idiot. At my friend's house. (baiting him by playing dumb) But Congress met?

Blepyros looks at Praxagora like she's the biggest idiot in the world.

BLEPYROS

God, yes. Don't you remember? I told you yesterday.

PRAXAGORA

It's coming back to me…

BLEPYROS

(incredulous) So you don't know the big news?

PRAXAGORA

(with wide-eyed innocence) Gosh, no I don't.

BLEPYROS

You'd better sit and straighten your panties for this one.93

He pulls up a chair and sits Praxagora down in it.

The news is that the city is being handed over to you women.

PRAXAGORA

(playing it as dumb as possible) To do what? Clean?94

BLEPYROS

No, no, no. Rule.

PRAXAGORA

Rule what?

BLEPYROS

Every single aspect of the city.

PRAXAGORA

Great Girdle of Aphrodite!

She leaps from her chair enthusiastically.

Then the city's in good shape from here on out!

BLEPYROS

Why's that?

As Praxagora begins to speak, The Neighbor wanders in.95 He stands unnoticed, listening quietly to Praxagora speaking.

PRAXAGORA

For a lot of reasons. From now on, no one will dare do anything immoral. There will be no more perjury, no more ambulance chasing…96

BLEPYROS

By God, you can't do that! You'd put me out of a job!

NEIGHBOR

For Zeussakes, man, let the woman speak!

Both Blepyros and Praxagora jump, but Praxagora quickly recovers. The Neighbor pulls up a chair and sits down.

PRAXAGORA

…no more muggings, no more keeping up with the Joneses,97 no more homelessness or poverty,98 no more slander, and no more foreclosures.99

NEIGHBOR

Trident of Poseidon, that sounds awesome! If you're not making it up.

PRAXAGORA

No, I'll prove it, as long as you'll be my witness and this guy (points to Blepyros) won't interrupt.

Music begins to play.

CHORUS

Rouse that clever heart,
that rugged mind of yours,
Defend your men, your valiant kin-the women in the fray.

Your voice cries out for new vision,
Success in life,
Endless benefits,
Honor for the city, power to the people!
The moment is here, the time is now.

The city needs our innovation,
something shrewd never done,
never even mentioned!

Do it now!

The crowd hates to see the same ol' thing,
Snap to it, and do what needs doing,
They like it best when we keep it moving.

The music stops. The chorus marches offstage and the Neighbor follows. Praxagora steps forward.

PRAXAGORA

I'm absolutely certain that my plans will be effective. But the audience…(pointing at them all) I'm not sure if they're ready for real change, or if they're too stuck on tradition. That's my biggest concern.

BLEPYROS

Don't worry about instituting crazy new policies. That's the whole point of democracy — to neglect our traditions!

PRAXAGORA

(with oratorical gravitas) Now, please do not interrupt me or oppose my plans before you understand my intentions and hear my full proposal.

Blepyros sits down and listens attentively as Praxagora outlines her vision.

My vision is for all people to unite their resources and share equally in everything. All citizens will thrive on the common stores. No longer will one man be rich while another remains poor. No longer will one man own acres of land, while another can't even afford a plot for burial. No longer will one man benefit off the backs of many slaves, while another has no one to help him.

Instead, I offer a single, common livelihood for all.

BLEPYROS

(interrupting) How will it be common for all?

PRAXAGORA

(dropping the somber tone) Cut the crap, I'm almost there.100

BLEPYROS

(with earnest innocence) Do we have to the cut the crap equally, too?

PRAXAGORA

Zeus on a cloud, you keep interrupting me! I was just about to tell you.

She sighs and gets back into character.

First and foremost property will be shared by everyone. Money too, and all other valuables anyone might have. Then, we will draw from the common fund to feed you. Since we are thrifty and competent, we will act as treasurers.

Blepyros still isn't following.

BLEPYROS

But what about the guy who doesn't own any property? Just silver and gold – you know, hidden assets?101

PRAXAGORA

He'll put it in the pot. And if he doesn't, he'll be lying under oath.

BLEPYROS

That's how he acquired it!

PRAXAGORA

His money will be worthless anyway.

BLEPYROS

How's that?

PRAXAGORA

(patiently) Everyone will have everything they need, so no one will be forced to steal because he's poor: there will be bread, fish, rice cakes, clothing, wine, wreaths, and chickpeas.102 What could anyone gain by not contributing? You figure it out and get back to me.

BLEPYROS

Aren't rich people pretty much thieves, anyway?

PRAXAGORA

Yes, my friend, they were under the old regime. But now, when there's a common livelihood, what could anyone gain by not contributing?

Blepyros sees a potential problem.

BLEPYROS

All right, well, what if a guy sees a young girl he's interested in and wants to poke her? He'd need his own money to buy her gifts. (more optimistically) But, I suppose, if he did get to sleep with her, he would get a piece, so to speak, ha! ha!

PRAXAGORA

Well, actually, he'll get to sleep with her for free. I'll make sure that girls are available for sex – and for procreation, if anyone wants.

BLEPYROS

But wouldn't every guy go straight for the hottest girl and try to hump her?

PRAXAGORA

The really ugly and pig-nosed girls will sit next to the pretty ones. When a guy is hot for a pretty one, he'll have to bang the ugly one first.

BLEPYROS

What about old guys like me? If I sleep with an ugly one, my boner won't be able to limp its way over to a hottie.

PRAXAGORA

Cheer up, sweetie. They won't be giving you a fight. Don't you worry.

BLEPYROS

A fight? About what?

PRAXAGORA

About not sleeping with you. You've already got that problem.

BLEPYROS

(sarcastically) Your plan makes perfect sense. This legislation ensures that no woman's funhole will go unfilled. But where will the men find fulfillment? Chicks will run screaming from the beasts, and straight for the babes.

PRAXAGORA

The really ugly guys will shadow the hot ones after parties and tail them at state fairs. Women will be prohibited from sleeping with large, sexy men before pleasuring the small, ugly ones.

BLEPYROS

So goiter-nosed Lysicrates103will seem just as sexy as the hot guys?

PRAXAGORA

Yep! That's the populist thrust! We'll brutally mock the rich and famous, even the ones sporting pinkie rings!104 Just imagine: a poor guy in sandals105 walks right up to a well-heeled young fellow and says, "Step aside and watch this! When I'm done, I'll hand her over to you for sloppy seconds."

BLEPYROS

But if we're all hooking up like that, how will a father recognize his own son?

PRAXAGORA

What does it matter? Young people will think of all older men as their own fathers.

BLEPYROS

But then wouldn't they choke every old man, good and proper? They do that now, when they do know who their father is. Worse yet, if they don't recognize their dad, won't they shit all over him?

PRAXAGORA

No. Bystanders won't just stand by anymore. Before, they didn't care if someone was beating up another guy's dad. But now, if they hear someone getting beaten up, they'll worry it's their own dad and go after the criminals.

BLEPYROS

Hmmm. What you're saying here isn't too dumb. But what if Epicurus or Lukolophos106 comes over and calls me "Daddy"? (shuddering) Now that would be nasty.

PRAXAGORA

There's something far nastier than that…

BLEPYROS

What?

PRAXAGORA

If Aristyllus,107 that butt-licker, calls you "Daddy" --and gives you a little kiss.

BLEPYROS

Then I'd make him cry and moan like a little girl.

PRAXAGORA

Yeah, but you'd still smell like a poop-ermint…108

She chuckles at her own joke.

Don't worry, he's not gonna kiss you. Lucky for you, he was born before our legislation passed.

BLEPYROS

(relieved) Phew! That would have been horrible. (changing subject) But who's going to farm the land?

PRAXAGORA

The slaves. Your only concern will be getting cleaned up for dinner as soon as night falls.

BLEPYROS

What about clothing? Where will it come from? Now that is a worthy question.

PRAXAGORA

You'll be fine with what you have for now. In the future, the women will make more.

BLEPYROS

One last question. If someone loses a case in court, how will he have any money to pay the fine? It would be wrong to pay it from the common fund.

PRAXAGORA

First of all, there won't be any court cases.

BLEPYROS

That's the worst thing you could say.

PRAXAGORA

I get your point. But why on earth would there be lawsuits?

BLEPYROS

For a lot of reasons, by Apollo's quiver. In the first place, if a debtor defaults on his loan.

PRAXAGORA

Where would a lender get money if everything is jointly owned? Clearly, he'd be a thief.

BLEPYROS

By the piglets of Demeter, that makes good sense. But tell me this, if someone is convicted of battery, how will he pay the fine – especially when he's drunk and disorderly? I'm pretty sure I've got you there!

PRAXAGORA

He'll pay it from his own ration of food. Trust me, once his food's gone, he'll feel it right in the stomach and he won't be so quick to violate this law again.

BLEPYROS

So there'll be no more thieves from here on out?

PRAXAGORA

How can someone steal from himself?

BLEPYROS

So there won't be any more nighttime robberies?

PRAXAGORA

(pointedly) Not if you stay home at night.

(returning to her explanation) Seriously though, it won't happen, since everyone will have what they need. And if someone gets mugged, he'll just hand over his stuff. Why would he bother fighting? He can just go get something newer and better from the communal stores.

BLEPYROS

Won't men still gamble, though?

PRAXAGORA

No, why would they?

BLEPYROS

Well, then, what standard of living are you offering?

PRAXAGORA

The same one for everyone. I intend to make the city into one big household, breaking down all doors and allowing unrestricted access.

BLEPYROS

(concerned) But where will we eat?

PRAXAGORA

I'll turn every courtroom and pavilion into a dining hall.

BLEPYROS

What good will the judge's bench do us?109

PRAXAGORA

I'll turn it into a wine bar.110 And it can be a place for small children to recite poems about brave men in war, but also poems about cowards, if there are any, so they'll be too ashamed to join the feast.

BLEPYROS

That's lovely, by the curly locks of Apollo! What will you do with the machines that assign jury duty?111

PRAXAGORA

I'll set them up in the public square, next to the Harmodius statue,112 and I'll use them to assign everyone a letter at random. That way, everyone will know what group they're in and saunter off happily to dinner. When the announcement is made, the Betas will go to the royal pavilion,113 the Thetas to the one next to it,114 and the Kappas will go to the warehouse pavilion.115

BLEPYROS

So they can drink to Kapp-acity? Ha ha!!

PRAXAGORA

No, you idiot, just to eat.

BLEPYROS

But you'll turn away anyone without a group assignment, won't you?

PRAXAGORA

That won't happen under our plan. We'll eradicate envy by providing everyone with everything. Each and every man will happily stumble home drunk by torchlight, with flowers in his hair. Women will line the streets, falling all over these carousers, saying, "Come to our place. A pretty young thing awaits you." Another woman will shout down from her balcony: "I've got one at my place for you. She's gorgeous with perfect skin. You can have her, but you've got to sleep with me first." Meanwhile those ugly guys tailing the hot, young ones will say, "You there. Where do you think you're going? You won't be doing anything at all, even if you are faster than me. We disgusting caveman types116 get to fuck first! It's the law. In the meantime, you pretty boys will just have to stand in the hall and jiggle your fig tree."117

She crosses her arms triumphantly.

So tell me, how do you like that?

BLEPYROS

A lot!

PRAXAGORA

I've got to go to the town square to collect all the property coming in. I'll take along a spokeswoman with a strong voice. As your elected leader, it's now my responsibility to get the dining rooms set up so that today can be our first feast.

Blepyros licks his lips with anticipation.

BLEPYROS

Wow, we'll be feasting that soon?

PRAXAGORA

Damn straight. But right now I've got to put a stop to every last one of those whores turning tricks.

BLEPYROS

Why would you want to do that?

PRAXAGORA

That's obvious – so respectable women can get their hands on those cocky heads of state.118

The slave girls won't be able to deck themselves out and snatch lusty men away from free women. Those girls will have rough and scratchy pussies119 — they'll only get to sleep with other slaves.

BLEPYROS

(dreamily) Right on! I'll be right behind you, so I get some of the attention. Then they'll say, "Look at our leader's First Man120 – isn't he amazing?!"

He exits, humming a happy tune and imagining his new role as First Man. Praxagora and Chremes follow.

ACT IV

It's later the same day. Chremes enters, hauling an enormous cart of stuff behind him. Assorted slaves follow him.

CHREMES

I'll just take out my things and put them in order so I can bring my stuff to the town square.

He speaks affectionately to the objects as he takes them out.

Come out here, you fancy, fine flour sifter, favorite of my possessions!

You've sifted so many bags of flour for me. You're all powdered up anyway, so you can lead the parade.121

He sets it down.

But who will ride on the float?122

He rubs his chin thoughtfully.

Cooking pot, come here. (picking up the pot) How did you get this charred? You look as bad as Lysicrates' dye job!123

Let's put you next to the sifter.

He places the pot behind the sifter. He picks up a ladle.

Come here, flag girl.124

He places it behind the pot and picks up a jug.

OK, jug, you're a juggler.125

He roots around in the pile of stuff.

Where's my rooster? (eventually bringing out a live rooster) Oh, band leader,126 come out! You always wake me up at some ungodly hour – just in time for Congress.

He places the rooster behind the jug. It quickly breaks formation and wanders around the stage.

Chremes takes out several bowls.

You go on and carry the chunks of honeycomb.127

He continues to pull out implements, addressing each as he places it in line.

And the olives.128 And the cast iron pots and the oil.129 Bring out the little pots and the rest.130

A man enters, talking angrily to himself.

DISSENTER

Hah. Should I hand over my stuff too? I'd be a senseless, pea-brained idiot if I did. By the beard of Poseidon, never!

He shakes his fist.

Before I do anything, I'll put this system to the test and watch it closely. There's no way in hell I'm tossing aside my hard work and savings like some moron. Not on an empty promise. Not before I see exactly what this is all about.

He notices Chremes with his parade of items

(still to himself) What does this guy think he's doing with all that stuff?

He moves closer.

(to Chremes) Hey. Why are hauling off your stuff? Are you moving? Or are you taking it to the pawn shop?131

CHREMES

Neither.

DISSENTER

(indicating the parade of items) Then why did you line it up like that? Wait. You're not parading your items for the auctioneer,132 are you?

CHREMES

Of course not. I'm about to carry them into the town square and give them to the city. In compliance with the new laws.

DISSENTER

You're gonna take them in?

CHREMES

Absolutely.

DISSENTER

Zeus Almighty, you're a bonehead.

CHREMES

Why?

DISSENTER

Why? It's obvious.

CHREMES

How so? Shouldn't I obey the laws?

The Dissenter mimes his disbelief.

DISSENTER

What laws, you clownskull?

CHREMES

The new ones.

DISSENTER

The new ones? How stupid are you?

CHREMES

Stupid?

DISSENTER

Yes. In fact, you're the biggest asshat I've ever met.

CHREMES

Because I do what I'm told?

DISSENTER

Do smart people do what they're told?

CHREMES

More than most.

DISSENTER

No. A moron does.

CHREMES

So you're not going to hand over your stuff?

DISSENTER

I'm holding off until I see what everyone else is doing.

CHREMES

What else could they do besides pack up their stuff and haul it in?

DISSENTER

I'll believe it when I see it.

CHREMES

That's the word on the street.

DISSENTER

That would be the word.

CHREMES

They say that they'll collect their things and bring them over.

DISSENTER

They would say that.

CHREMES

You're killing me with all your negativity.

DISSENTER

They would be negative.

CHREMES

Go to hell!

DISSENTER

They would go to hell. (pauses for effect) Do you really think anyone with a brain will haul in their stuff? That's not the Athenian way. We're not givers, by the illegitimate children of Zeus, we're takers! Just like the gods. You can tell from the hands on their statues. Why bother praying for them to give us what we need, when they're standing there with their palms up? They're not offering a helping hand, they're looking for a handout!133

He imitates the statue, standing stiff with both palms up.

CHREMES

Look, you maniac, let me get back to what I was doing. These things need to be tied up. Now where's that rope I was using?

DISSENTER

(Not believing what he's seeing) So you're really going to haul it in?

CHREMES

For Zeussakes, yes. Watch me add on these tripods right here.

He does so ostentatiously, defiantly piling them on top of his heap.

DISSENTER

Dumbass. You should wait around to see what everyone else is doing. Then and only then…

CHREMES

(getting really annoyed) What? What then?!

DISSENTER

Wait some more…(pauses dramatically) and then procrastinate even longer.

CHREMES

But why?

DISSENTER

Just in case there's an earthquake, or an ominous storm, or a weasel that crosses your path.134That, you dickweed, would certainly stop them from handing in their stuff.

CHREMES

(sarcastically) Yeah, wouldn't it be great if there were no room for my things by the time I got there?

DISSENTER

You really think that's going to happen? Don't worry, there'll be room even if you show up a few days from now.

CHREMES

How do you figure?

DISSENTER

(pointing at the audience) I know these people. They vote for something without a second thought, then they refuse to comply with their own decisions.

CHREMES

(also gesturing at the audience) But they will, my friend.

DISSENTER

If they don't bring it, then what?

CHREMES

Don't worry, they'll bring it.

DISSENTER

(emphatically) But if they don't bring it, then what?

CHREMES

We'll kick their asses.

DISSENTER

But if they're stronger, then what?

CHREMES

I'll up and leave.

DISSENTER

But if they sell off your stuff, then what?

CHREMES

Go screw yourself.

DISSENTER

And if I do screw myself, then what?

CHREMES

That would be awesome.

The Dissenter looks at Chremes in disgust.

DISSENTER

So do you still want to haul in your stuff?

CHREMES

Of course. (scanning the audience and gesturing) Look, I can see my neighbors hauling in theirs right now.

DISSENTER

(sarcastically) Yes, and I'm sure Antisthenes135 would add his shit to the pile. (chuckling) Of course what he really needs to do is take a real shit. For about thirty days...

CHREMES

Piss off.

The Dissenter rolls his eyes.

DISSENTER

You can't tell me that tightwad dance captain136 Callimachus (he points at someone in the audience) will make his own contribution?

CHREMES

More than that overpriviliged general Callias137 — what a wastrel.

DISSENTER

Yeah, that guy's already pissed away everything he owns.

Chremes pauses thoughtfully, taking stock of the conversation.

CHREMES

Why are you so hostile towards the new government?

DISSENTER

Why is that hostile? As if I don't see laws like these passed all the time. Don't you remember the one about the salt?138

CHREMES

(resignedly) Yeah, I do.

DISSENTER

And when we voted to mint those stupid bronze coins, don't you remember that?139

CHREMES

Yeah, you're right. That really sucked for me.

Chremes pauses, remembering

I had just sold some grapes, and had a pocket full of bronze coins.140 Then I went to the town square for groceries. Right when I was putting the groceries in the bag, I heard the announcement that bronze coins were no longer accepted as currency,141 (imitates announcer) "SILVER COINS ONLY PLEASE".

The Dissenter nods in agreement.

DISSENTER

Mmmm hmmmm. And didn't we all just agree to the huge property tax that Euripides proposed?142 At first we all praised him up and down, but after a closer look we saw right through him. Then no one liked his plan, and we all wanted to tar and feather that bastard.143

Chremes puts his hand on the Dissenter's shoulder.

CHREMES

But my friend, it's not the same anymore. That's what happened when we were in charge. Now it's the women's turn.

The Dissenter pushes Chremes' hand away.

DISSENTER

I've still got my eye on them, by Poseidon's aftershocks. (crossing his arms stubbornly) They're not going to piss all over me.

CHREMES

I don't know what you're ranting about. (to a slave standing by) Hey, you. Get that luggage cart.

A female announcer in official dress enters.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER

Calling all citizens! Now that everything is ready, come on out and hurry right to Praxagora's headquarters where Lady Luck will randomly assign a place for each and every man to eat!

She sees Chremes and the Dissenter, and addresses them.

The tables are set and loaded with everything you could possibly want. The seats are extra cushion-y.144The wine is ready to pour, and salesgirls are lined up with cologne to spritz.145 Seasoned fish steaks are roasting, juicy rabbits are skewered on spits, cakes are in the oven, wreaths of fresh flowers are joined by their stems, and fritters are frying for dessert. Attractive young girls are cooking up soup by the vat. That old coot Smoios is among them, suited up like some youthful equestrian. He's ready to ride, and he'll lick every woman's bowl clean.146

She looks off into the horizon.

And here comes dirty old Geron,147 laughing it up with another (miming air quotes) "young buck." He's in his snazzy light tunic and sandals. His old-man shoes and coat must still be at home.

She turns to the audience and citizens at large

So come one and all to our feast! A servant awaits you with a plate of appetizers.148 Make sure you come with mouths wide open!

She marches offstage. The Dissenter watches her go, with his own mouth wide open

DISSENTER

Damn, I will go then. I mean, why should I hang around here, when clearly this is the right thing to do for my city?

He starts to walk offstage.

CHREMES

Hey, where do you think you're going? You never handed over your property.

DISSENTER

To dinner.

CHREMES

Oh no you don't, not if these women have anything to do with it. Not before you haul in your stuff.

DISSENTER

But I'm gonna do that.

CHREMES

When?

DISSENTER

(putting on airs) Oh, I will, my friend, …when my schedule opens up.

CHREMES

What are you talking about?

DISSENTER

I'm saying other people will haul in their stuff even later than me.

CHREMES

But you're still planning to go to dinner?

DISSENTER

I have no choice. Certainly anyone with a brain would help his city in any way he could.

Chremes take a step towards the Dissenter.

CHREMES

But if they try to stop you, then what?

The Dissenter takes a step towards Chremes

DISSENTER

I'll storm them head on.

CHREMES

But if they beat you, then what?

He raises his fists and mimes punches.

DISSENTER

(raising one fist like an orator) I'll take them to court.

CHREMES

(Taking another step forward) But if they laugh at you, then what?

The Dissenter steps closer. They are nearly eye to eye.

DISSENTER

I'll stand at the door and –

CHREMES

(putting his face in the Dissenter's) And do what? Tell me.

DISSENTER

(Lamely, backing off) Steal food from people bringing it in.

They step apart. Chremes stands with his hands crossed.

CHREMES

Well in that case, make sure you show up after me. (to the slaves) Simo, Parmeno. Pick up all this stuff.

DISSENTER

But wait, let me help you!

CHREMES

No way. I'm know what you're up to…when I hand over my stuff to Praxagora, you're gonna pretend it's yours!

He storms offstage. His slaves stuggle to keep up as they follow him.

DISSENTER

(to himself) Crap. I need to come up with something clever so I can keep my own stuff but still get some of that food, like those other guys. Wait, I think I have an idea! No more wasting time—I'd better get to dinner right now....

He exits.

ACT V

It is now evening. Two houses stand on either side of the street. A street runs between them.

A door opens in the house stage left. A HAG leans out the doorway and looks up and down the street. There is an oboe player lingering on the side of the stage playing some music.

HAG

Why aren't the men here yet? They should have been here a long time ago.

She steps into the street. She is very old, wearing lingerie, and caked with makeup.

I went heavy on my makeup149 and I'm standing here decked out in my yellow lingerie – all alone, humming a little tune to myself, casting my net of love to catch a man as he wanders by. Muses, come to me! Inspire my voice with a sweet little love song!150

A hot teenager leans out the window of the house across the street.

HOT TEENAGE GIRL

I see you've made the first move, you hosebeast. You thought you'd pluck the fruit off the vine without me around, and lure a man in with your song. If you try that, I'll sing right back! (aside, to the audience) Even if our songs are annoying, try to have some fun with them.

HAG

Have your discussion with this.

(The hag makes an unpleasant gesture with her middle figure.)

Now piss off. (to oboe player) But you, my dear little oboe player,151 grab that instrument and play a tune that makes us both proud.

The oboe player starts playing, soon accompanied by a beat. The women prepare to throw down.

Wanna feel something nice?
Lie down here in my place.
It’s not the girls who’ve got the skill.
Cougars give a man a thrill.
Girls might lay, but they don’t stay, don’t appreciate their prey.
Here today, run away, find some other man to play.

HOT TEENAGE GIRL

Don't be jealous of us girls.
Hags like you? Make men hurl.
Bliss resides inside these thighs,
Softness peaks on these cheeks,
All natural here,
that’s factual, dear,
you can’t beat these mangos, here.152
So tweeze them whiskers, cake on that face -
Hope the Reaper likes his date!

HAG

So you wanna get pounded now?
I hope your or-i-fice falls out,
and your ass drags on the ground.
So you want a little sex?
Shove a python in your bed – one that’s limp, one that's flaccid.

The Hot Teenage Girl ignores the Hag.

HOT TEENAGE GIRL

(whining) Why does this always happen to me? My man hasn't come, I'm at home all alone, my mother is gone...(confidentially to the audience) You know the story.

She turns her attention back to the song.

Grandma, please.
On your knees, begging for a man to tease?
You need a toy,153 not a boy—
that's your only shot at joy.

HAG

You're the one with the Dildonian itch -
you put the 'F' in 'fellatrix'!154
But you won’t ruin this chance
or grab this man from my dance card
no matter how hard you try to take my little playmate,
you’ll never steal this date from my datebook,
I’ve baited the hook, now I’ve just got to wait.

The music stops. The Hag stands enjoying her triumph, while the Hot Teenage Girl remains speechless. They glare at each other for a moment.

HOT TEENAGE GIRL

Sing what you want and pop out like some weasel. No man will ever visit you before me.

HAG

(taking issue with her logic) Unless it's at my funeral.

HOT TEENAGE GIRL

Hah! That's a new one for a worn-out old hag like you.

HAG

Not really.

HOT TEENAGE GIRL

You're right. Nothing's new to a fossil.

HAG

(clucking) Now, now. Why should my old age cause you distress?

HOT TEENAGE GIRL

It doesn't. But your makeup does. You look like a dead clown.155

HAG

(Changing the subject) Why do you keep talking to me?

HOT TEENAGE GIRL

Why do you keep popping out of your door?

HAG

Me? I'm minding my own business, singing a song for a man close to my heart — Epigenes.

The HAG starts whistling to herself.

HOT TEENAGE GIRL

The only man who'll get close to you is the gerontologist.156

The hag puts her hands on her hips indignantly.

HAG

(scoffing) He'll show you. He'll come right up to me.

HOT TEENAGE GIRL

(pointing offstage) Here he is now.

HAG

He doesn't need you for anything, you little puke.

HOT TEENAGE GIRL

Screw you, you skeletal granny! He'll show you. I'm going inside.

HAG

Yeah, me too. Then you'll know how confident I am that he'll pick me.

They both disappear offstage, but the hag sneaks back on immediately. She crouches in wait.

A young man enters, drunk and singing aloud to himself. He does not see the hag.

EPIGENES

How can I manage to sleep with that girl
And not have to pound an old lady?
They're nasty, they're ugly, they're pignosed, they're old.
It sucks for a man who is free!

The hag sings quietly --half to herself, half to the audience.

HAG

Crying and whining, you'll pound, sonny boy.
The day for young lovers is done.
It's right and it's just to follow the law-Democracy's just now begun!

(addressing the audience directly) I'm gonna watch now, and see what he does.

Epigenes approaches the Hot Teenage Girl's house.

EPIGENES

(slurring his words drunkenly) Gods, please let me get this girl alone. I've come for her...(looking around). I'm drunk. And horny.

HOT TEENAGE GIRL

(talking to herself) Ha! I tricked that pain-in-the-ass old bat. She took off thinking I stayed inside. (to the audience) But here's the boy I was just talking about!

She begins singing.

Here, my love.
Come here, my love.
Come.
Stay with me.
All night.
Baby.
Love takes me and shakes me –
Your curls make me ache.
Lust grips me, it grinds me,
Oh, baby, it’s crazy!
Eros, release me.
Do this for me, please:
Drive this boy crazy.
And make him want me.

Epigenes sings in response.

Here, my love.
Come here, my love.
Come.
Run to me.
Let me in.
Baby.
I'm tripping and falling,
I'm down on my knees-to pass out in your lap,
and spank your sweet ass!
Aphrodite! Man-eater!
You're driving me crazy!
Eros, release me.
Do this for me, please:
Drive this girl crazy.
And make her want me.

EPIGENES

He looks again at the girl and decides to change his tactic. The song switches to something a little more elaborate/romantic — not that it's good, mind you.

My words are weak --not like my need.
I'm begging you, sweetest, give ear to my plea!
Open the door and come on to me.
I’m standing here hoping you’ll call me right through.
I’m yearning, I’m yearning, I’m yearning for you.

My well-wrought gold sweetie, my sprig of Aphrodite,
Muse-honey, Grace-baby, face of my delight!
Open the door and tease me tonight.
I’m standing here hoping you’ll call me right through.
I’m yearning, I’m yearning, I’m yearning for you.

The Hot Teenage Girl disappears into her house. The hag approaches Epigenes.

HAG

(seductively) Hey there. Why are you knocking? (coyly) You're not looking for me, are you?

EPIGENES

(confused) Huh?!?!

HAG

Well, you seem to be pounding on ( suggestively) my door...

EPIGENES

I'd rather die.

HAG

Why else would you come here holding that....torch of yours?

EPIGENES

(improvising frantically) Uh, I was looking for a man from Masturbion.157

Oh yeah, which one?

EPIGENES

(still improvising) Well, you're probably thinking of Dikstiphanes.158

He backs away slowly.

I'm definitely not him.

HAG

(lunging aggressively towards him) By the tits of Aphrodite, whether you like it or not…

EPIGENES

Wait! (trying to stall) Right now, my firm isn't probing cases over sixty. Those will come later.159

.

He looks over an imaginary docket.

We're still delving into charges under twenty years old.

HAG

That was under the old rule, sweetie. But now you must handle our cases first.

EPIGENES

Only if a guy wants to…(weakly) at least that's how it is when you're playing a board game.160

HAG

Well you weren't playing a board game when you ate your free dinner.

EPIGENES

(feigning ignorance) I don't know what you're talking about, lady, but this here (he gestures towards the door across the way) is the door that needs pounding.

HAG

(agreeably) Sure. (pauses) After you've pounded my door first.

EPIGENES

I wasn't looking to borrow a flour sifter, granny.

HAG

I know you want me. You're just surprised because you've found me out and about. (She offers her cheek.) Put 'er there.

EPIGENES

(stalling again) But honey, I'm afraid your lover will catch us.

HAG

Which one?

EPIGENES

Why, the finest painter in Greece!

HAG

Who's that?

EPIGENES

The guy who paints funeral portraits.161 Now get inside before he sees us out here.

HAG

I know what you want.

EPIGENES

And I sure know what you want.

The hag grabs him.

HAG

Aphrodite willing, I'll never let you go.

EPIGENES

You're out of your mind, little old lady.

HAG

Stop rambling. I'm taking you to bed now.

She starts dragging him towards her door.

EPIGENES

(struggling to escape) Who needs fish-hooks—just throw this granny into the water!162

HAG

No time for jokes now, sonny. Just follow me.

EPIGENES

I don't have to – unless you've paid the tax on my services to the city.

HAG

You'd better, by Aphrodite. (with anticipation) I sure do like sleeping with boys your age.

EPIGENES

And I sure do hate sleeping with women your age. You'll never convince me.

The Hag whips out an official-looking decree and brandishes it.

HAG

This will.

EPIGENES

What's that?

HAG

A law – one that says you're coming with me.

EPIGENES

Oh yeah? Well, read it then.

HAG

I will read it.

She clears her throat.

Decree of the women:

Let it be known that, if a young stud shall desire a hottie, before he shall bang said hottie, he must first bang a granny. Should he be unwilling to perform the preliminary banging, and yet still attempt intercourse with the aforementioned hottie, be it the right and privilege of any granny to seize him without penalty and drag him....by the wiener.

EPIGENES

Crap! Looks like I'm in for a granny gang bang today.163

HAG

(wagging her finger) Now, now. You must obey the law.

EPIGENES

Can't one of my neighbors or buddies spring me?

HAG

Sorry. Men are no longer legally qualified to handle their own....transactions.164

EPIGENES

Can't I swear in court that I'm exempt from this service?

HAG

You can't dodge this draft!

EPIGENES

But I'm a pirate --at least that's what I'll claim in court.165

HAG

(imitating a pirate) Then I'll make you S-AAARRRR-Y!

EPIGENES

What should I do, then?

HAG

(motioning toward her house) Follow me right over here.

EPIGENES

Do I have to?

HAG

(with profound solemnity) A man does what he must.166

EPIGENES

(resignedly) OK, then. First things first. For the ceremony, we're gonna have to find some nice satin, order some baby's breath and candles, line up a preacher and some holy water, find an usher for the door...

HAG

(dreamily) And don't forget to buy my bouquet!

EPIGENES

Of course. We'll definitely need one—for the casket. (factually) You'll decompose as soon as we get inside.

Before the hag can respond, the Hot Teenage Girl shows up.

HOT TEENAGE GIRL

Hey, where do you think you're dragging him off to?

HAG

Inside. This one's mine.

HOT TEENAGE GIRL

Not if you're smart, you horny grandma. Talk about men marrying their mothers! Keep it up and you'll spawn the land of a thousand Oedipuses.

HAG

You skank! You're only saying that because you're jealous. (aggressively) I'm gonna get you.

EPIGENES

Thank God! (to the Hot Teenage Girl) You've really done me a favor, sweetie, rescuing me from that old hag. In return, I'll do you a favor tonight... (suggestively) a big, fat one.

Another hag enters, looking ever more decrepit than the first.

SECOND HAG

(addressing the Hot Teenage Girl) Hey you — why are you dragging this guy away? That's illegal! By the letter of the law, he must sleep with me first.

EPIGENES

Shit. You've gotta be kidding me. (to the second hag) Where did you slither out from, you decrepit reptile?!? (to the audience) This thing is even nastier than the last one!

SECOND HAG

Come here!

She grabs him by the sleeve.

EPIGENES

(to the Hot Teenage Girl) Please, I beg you, don't let this hag drag me away!

SECOND HAG

'Tis not I, but the law that drags you.

EPIGENES

'Tis not the law, but some matronly monster167covered in blood blisters.

SECOND HAG

Follow me, you pussy. Hurry up and shut up.

EPIGENES

Please, just let me duck over here first and brace myself. Otherwise fear will make me brown my pants right before your eyes.

SECOND HAG

Buck up. Get over here. You can shit inside.

EPIGENES

But I'm scared that I'll shit everywhere. I swear I'll be right back. I've got two trustworthy guys who will vouch for me.

SECOND HAG

Don't bother.

She starts dragging him offstage. A third hag appears and addresses Epigenes.

THIRD HAG

Where the hell do you think you're going with her?

Epigenes, busy fighting off the second hag, responds without noticing the Third Hag.

EPIGENES

I'm not going. I'm being dragged. But God bless you, whoever you are, for not allowing her to grind me to a pulp.

He now looks towards the Third Hag and sees what she looks like.

O Hercules, O Goat-horned Pan, O Armored Male Dancers, O Twin Sons of Zeus!!168 This one's the nastiest of them all!

(turns to the audience) What the hell is this thing, I ask you?! Is it an orangutan plastered with mascara, or some hag-zombie freshly risen from the grave?

THIRD HAG

No time for jokes, sonny. Follow me.

SECOND HAG

No, follow me.

THIRD HAG

(grabbing Epigenes) I'll never let you go.

SECOND HAG

(also grabbing him) Me neither.

They both start tugging.

EPIGENES

You're ripping me apart, you worn-out old corpses!

SECOND HAG

You must follow me. It's the law.

THIRD HAG

(correcting her) Not if another, even nastier hag comes along.

EPIGENES

But if you completely destroy me first, tell me how I'll ever get my chance with that hot girl over there?

He gestures towards the Hot Teenage Girl's balcony.

THIRD HAG

(sternly) That's your problem. You have no choice.

EPIGENES

OK, which one of you do I have to screw first to get out of this?

SECOND HAG

Don't you know? Come here.

EPIGENES

(re: third hag) As soon as this one lets me go.

THIRD HAG

No, come to me.

EPIGENES

(re: second hag) Only if that one lets me go.

SECOND HAG

There's no way in hell I'm letting go.

THIRD HAG

Me neither.

EPIGENES

You two would sure make a mean pair of undertakers...169

SECOND HAG

What do you mean?

EPIGENES

You'd drive your customers right into the ground!

SECOND HAG

Shut up and get over here.

THIRD HAG

No way! Get over here.170

EPIGENES

Oh, woe, woe...woe! They've dragged me right up to the door!

THIRD HAG

You've run out of excuses. I'm right on your trail.

EPIGENES

No, God, please no! Well, I suppose it's better to tangle with one enemy than two.171

THIRD HAG

(exulting in her victory) Yes, by God, whether you like it or not!

The action freezes. Epigenes steps forward and addresses the audience in the faux-tragic manner of a hero about to die.

EPIGENES

Thrice-wretched am I! For now I must fuck a woman, rotting and old, all night and all day. And the very moment when I make my escape from her, I'll fall into the clutches of this (indicating the second hag) dying and goitered toad!172 Who could say this is not a wretched plight? For my heart is burdened and I am an unlucky man, by Zeus the Savior, I who am caged in with beastly fiends like these. And yet if I, an intrepid sailor, must suffer the insufferable at the hands of these nasty slags, then bury me at the mouth of the river. And at the head of my grave, take this old lady, wrap her in a shroud, encase her feet in cement, and set her up as my tombstone.

Epigenes sulks and exits stage left. The Hags follow him.

The Serving Maid enters stage right, followed by the Chorus Leader.

SERVING MAID

(tipsy and silly) You lucky people. I am happy. And my boss lady is the luckiest girl of them all. And all of you standing in front of our doors, you neighbors and townspeople, I am your serving maid. I am scented from head to toe with lovely fragrance, by Zeus the Seducer. These bottles of the imported stuff are the best.173 The best by far. They go right to your head and the effects linger.....All the others fade and fly away. (returning to her theme) And so these are the best. Really the best, by the gods. So pour the wine and make it a robust one!174 Connoisseurs of the finest bouquets, you'll be happy all night long.

Ladies! Tell me where my boss is — I mean, that guy who's with the boss-lady.

CHORUS LEADER

(pointing offstage) You'll probably find him if you wait right here.

SERVING MAID

(looking) Oh yeah. Here he is, coming to dinner.

Blepyros wanders on, finally dressed in men's clothes — but with a suspicious bulge in his nether regions. The maid runs towards him gleefully.

My boss! My lucky and wonderful boss!

BLEPYROS

(surprised at the maid's enthusiastic reception of him) Who, me?

SERVING MAID

Yes, you. Like no other man on earth. Who could be luckier? More than thirty thousand citizens have already eaten. You're the only who still gets to eat!

The Chorus Leader plays along.

CHORUS LEADER

Wow, you're right --he is a lucky guy!

SERVING MAID (

to Blepyros) Hey, where are you going?

BLEPYROS

I'm going to eat!

The serving maid approaches him.

SERVING MAID

By Aphrodite, you're our very last customer! Your wife told me to get you and bring you to dinner along with these fine ladies.

The chorus begins to file quietly onto the stage. The Chorus Leader grabs the first two chorus members, pulls them aside, and steers them towards Blepyros. They swan towards him and put their arms around his shoulders, giggling.

(to Blepyros) There's some of the expensive wine left over, and some other tasty treats.

She turns to the chorus as it files in, clapping her hands smartly.

Don't delay!

The chorus is now on stage, waiting silently in the background. The Chorus Leader turns her attention towards the audience.

And if anyone in the audience approves, including the critics, yes, if they are agreeable - you should come with us! We'll take care of everything.

Blepyros, enjoying the attention he receives from his chorus girls, surveys the crowd thoughtfully.

BLEPYROS

Why don't you just invite everybody? Don't leave anyone out: be generous and include the old men, the young men, and even the boys.

He addresses the audience directly, taunting them.

There's a nice dinner waiting for every single one of you — if you go home.

(boasting a bit) But I'm already on my way to dinner.

He starts patting himself down.

And I've even got my torch back.

He produces a torch from under his clothing and waves it around. The young women watch admiringly.

CHORUS LEADER

(encouraging Blepyros) What are you waiting for? Why not grab these girls and go? While you're on your way, I'll sing a delicious dinner ditty.

But first I'd like to give a little advice to the critics.

She steps forward to address audience. Blepyros, the chorus, and the ladies freeze in the background.

To the clever men out there: recall the clever moments — and vote for my play!
To all you gigglers out there, think of those giggles — and vote for my play!
Come to think it, I demand that you all vote for my play!
Don't hold it against us that we were the opening act. That's just the luck of the draw.
Remember those rules you agreed to, and don't break them. Judge our chorus accordingly.
Don't be like those naughty prostitutes who only remember their last trick!

She turns to the chorus.

to the chorus) OK ladies, it's now or never. If we're gonna do this thing, let's dance on down to dinner.

The chorus and Blepyros unfreeze. The chorus starts to move about, arranging themselves, a la Bollywood, in preparation for their big dance number.

(to Blepyros) And you --move those feet in a pas de trois!175

Blepyros clumsily attempts a ballet step while the girls perform the same step well.

BLEPYROS

(proudly) I've got it down!

CHORUS LEADER

(still to Blepyros) Now follow these limber-legged dancing girls, moving to the beat!

Blepyros and the girls join the chorus while it is lining up. Most members are striking a pose, ready to dance.

(to the chorus, as it finishes arranging itself) Make it quick.

(to the audience, excitedly) They're about to serve pot-au-fillet-o-sardine-n-shark-n-cod-n-perch-a-la-pickled-curry-leftovers-en-sauce-de-sweet-n-soured-songbird-over-blackbird-a-la-triple-pigeon-delight-on-a-bed-of-rooster-roasted-lark-dipped-in-chickadee-rabbit-wine-reduction-topped-with-tasty-hot-wings!176

(pointing to an audience member ) You out there, bring a plate on the double.

Music starts playing. The chorus begins its dance.

Grab some gruel fast, hey hey177
On to the second course, hey hey.
They're stuffing their faces, hey eh eh eh.
Pick up the pace, hey eh eh eh.
We're gonna eat, ee ee ee ee
On to victory, oh oh oh oh!!

All actors exeunt, dancing merrily.

THE END

Notes

1. In the Greek, the lines that follow employ tragic diction and meter (Sommerstein 1), but are meant to parody tragic apostrophe by addressing mundane subject matter (Ussher 70). We have used quasi-Shakespearean diction to capture the somber form of the speech.

2. Ancient Greek women used lamp flames to remove hair from what we would now call the bikini line.

3. The Scira festival was held every June in honor of the goddess Demeter. Because only women were allowed to attend, it would have been a perfect place to begin a female conspiracy. In Thesmophoriazousai (another Aristophanes play) the women conspire at a different festival to Demeter called the Thesmophoria.

4. Fur-OH-mack-us. Nothing else is known about Phyromachus. Sommerstein (4) suggests that the following joke puns off of the dual meaning of "seat" as both "place to sit" and "rump".

5. Literally, "a man from Salamis". Salamis is an island off the coast of Athens. Its inhabitants were Athenian citizens and had a reputation for both nautical and sexual prowess.

6. Pronounced Kline-ah-REH-tay, So-STRAH-tay, Phil-ein-EH-tay. The Greek sound represented by the letter "e" is more like the sound of a European "e" than the drawn-out American long "a" (which non-Americans hear as "ayyyyy").

7. In ancient Greece, wine was measured by the khous (about 3/4 gallon) and chickpeas by the khoinix (about a quart). We have given rough equivalents. Paying with wine is a punishment because women's love of it was legendary; chickpeas were often eaten as snacks to accompany drinking.

8. Mel-is-STIH-kay. In the Greek, Melistiche's husband is identified as Smikythion, who may or may not be the same as a certain impotent Smikythion named in Wasps 401 (Sommerstein 7). The shoes are embades, normally reserved for men.

9. BOOZE-ih-strah-tah, Geusistrate in the original Greek. The name comes from the verb geusesthai, "to tipple". Her name and profession suggest that she is exceedingly fond of drink --even for a woman.

10. Phil-oh-door-REH-tus, Kai-reh-TAH-days. In ancient Greece, women are frequently identified only by their relationship to a male relative, both in Aristophanes and in law courts.

11. The original Greek designates anchovies, which caused the husband to cough all night. Anchovies were a popular snack food in ancient Greece, and the tiny "hair" bones they contained could make a person cough. As it is not normal practice to eat plain anchovies in the modern world, we have used a more plausible-sounding substitution.

12. Pale skin was the feminine ideal for women in ancient Greece, as was remaining indoors unless there was a good reason to be out of the house. Thus, a tanned appearance was considered masculine in that it was the result of outdoor labor. Since a tan is associated with leisure in today's society, however, we have used "farmer’s tan" to avoid the wrong connotations.

13. Hecate (pronounced Heh-CAH-tay) was the Greek goddess associated with magic.

14. The original joke is "better than Epicrates’ beard'" Since Epicrates was a politician known for mainly for his beard, we have omitted the name and focused on the trait (cf. Ussher 84 and Sommerstein 9).

15. Literally "Laconian shoes, walking sticks, and men's cloaks". "Laconian" (i.e. Spartan) shoes are a more formal version of men's embades (see note 8). Walking sticks were associated with men going to Congress. And men's cloaks (himatia) would have appeared distinctly masculine to Aristophanes' original audience.

16. The implement referred to is the skutalon, a baton used by Spartans to carry coded messages. The message could only be read when wrapped around the baton of similar size. This particualar baton belongs to a certain Lamius, whose name will shortly become the butt of several jokes.

17. The original meaning of this complex joke is controversial, and involves several references peculiar to Athenian politics and culture. Most critics agree that Lamius is being compared to Lamia, a monster who farted horrifically. In Greek, the man is wearing "the leather jerkin of Argos" (dipthera panoptou). Argos was a mythical guardian and servant of Hera, who watched Io with his hundred eyes. Some suggest the leather garment itself (a diphthera) indicates peasant status, while some argue that the jerkin would be full of holes to accommodate Argos' hundred eyes. Finally, the joke employs the phrase boukouleîn dêmion meaning "to fulfill a duty" but also "to drive cattle" – and so may further emphasize the rustic nature of the joke's target. Because it would be impossible to find modern equivalencies to all elements, we have chosen to retain the political joke in its most general sense. For a complete explanation of the joke, see Sommerstein 10-11.

18. Literally, "seats under the stone [and] in front of the prytaneis." The "stone" refers to the speakers' platform (bêma in Greek). The prytaneis (singular prytanis) were the "chairmen" of the Athenian Assembly, and it was their job to oversee speakers.

19. Originally, Woman Two plans to comb through unspun wool while sitting in Congress. This is a typically feminine activity, and while sitting to perform her task, a woman might strike an "indecorous" pose with her knees apart (Ussher 88).

20. Fro-ME-see-us. As the scholiast on Frogs 965 tells us, Phromisius was a man known for his excessive hairiness. Aristophanes here uses the name as a euphemism for female pubic hair.

21. Ar-GEAR-ree-us, Pro-NO-mus. Agyhrrius was a prominent politician in the early fourth century, and the frequent butt of jokes. We have no further information about Pronomos. The spoken line could also suggest "Pronomos as beard," playing on the modern sense of the word "beard".

22. Literally: "They say that the young men who get pounded the most are the most clever speakers." Homosexual relationships between older and younger men were a standard part of the social and political "boys' club" of Classical Athens; "speakers" refers to the fact that the younger men would eventually go on to become political leaders who spoke in the Assembly.

23. The joke indicates the contrast between the woman's tanned (but still light) skin and the dark beard.

24. The actual practice of the Athenian Assembly was to sacrifice a piglet, then have an officiant circle the area to designated it as purified. The women (who have not actually attended Congress before) show their ignorance by using a weasel instead of a piglet.

25. In the original Greek this remark is addressed to a certain Ariphrades, who may or may not be a politician known for his loquaciousness.

26. Laurel wreaths were worn both for speaking in public and for celebrating in private.

27. An was on Artemis, the goddess of the hunt.

28. This refers to the practice of pouring ceremonial libations to begin public cermonies.

29. Said something like "Jeez." Given the frequency with which "By Zeus" (ne Dia) appears in speech, it seems unlikely to have the solemn tone it suggests to moderns.

30. The oath refers to the "twin goddesses," i.e. Persephone and Demeter and was only used by women, which is why Praxagora reacts the way she does.

31. Eh-PIG-on-us. Significance unknown, though obviously he was considered effeminate in some capacity.

32. Since we do not see Praxagora at work in Congress, we must read what follows as the text of the speech she eventually gives. Thus, it is slightly less comedic than the previous portion of the scene.

33. The time "before Congress existed" is an exaggeration, and most likely refers to the time before pay for service was insituted. Argyrrius is the same character mentioned above (see note 21), and had been convicted of embezzlement.

34. Literally, "the one taking pay" versus "the one not taking pay." But the participle implies a person that doesn't want to be seen taking pay, rather than someone who is truly devoted to the people's interests.

35. The alliance referred to is most likely the Athenian-Theban alliance of 395, or a slightly later alliance that included Argos and Corinth as well. Both were formed against the Spartans, and Aristophanes/Praxagora may well be conflating them.

36. Later scholiasts identify this man as Conon, but Sommerstein feels this is an error (21) and offers Epicrates as a possible substitute.

37. Although Athens was a democracy, enormous disparities in wealth existed. The "desperate" are those who must work for a living (which is not ideal in Athenian political thought) and who would appreciate the opportunity to work for pay in shipyards or as sailors. Citizens with money, on the other hand, were expected to foot the bill for the cost of building and outfitting ships. Farmers, whose land lay outside the city walls of Athens, were most likely to suffer the effects of war as it was accepted practice to destroy the enemy's fields as part of a campaign.

38. After the Battle of Nemea in 394, an anti-Corinthian faction refused to let the retreating allies enter Corinth, leading some to fear that Corinth might switch its loyalties to the Spartan side. In 393/2, however, a strong anti-Spartan faction took over, and Corinth merged with Argos.

39. It is not entirely clear what these statements mean, other than that they are opposite sides of the debate. But after merging with Corinth, Argos was displeased with the peace terms of the treaty with Sparta. We know little about Hieronymus (Hear-ON-i-muss), except that he was an Athenian general at the time. From what Praxagora says, we may presume that he, too, was oppsed to the peace terms.

40. Thrasybulus was Athenian general who began a successful career in the later Peloponnesian War. He was received with general favor by the Athenians and is well-attested in our sources. Here, Praxagora implies that he was opposed to peace for his own selfish reasons, rather than for sound political ones.

41. Aesimus was allied with Thrasybulus, but we know little about him, leading most scholars to assume that his career went downhill after the 390's. He is, however, mentioned as still being active in 378/7.

42. In Greek, the Thesmophoria, a yearly festival in honor of Demeter. Only women were allowed, and they were thus were responsible for performing the rites correctly.

43. Literally, Praxagora was camped out "on the Pnyx". As mentioned in note 37 above, farmers had little protection against enemy troops and so were brought inside the city walls during wartime. The most famous refugee influx came at the beginning of the Peloponnesian war in 431. Given that other characters mention Praxagora's youthful appearance, however, it is unlikely that she refers to this time period. Other war-driven flights happened in 413 and 405, so it is likely she refers to one of these.

44. The women literally offer her the position of strategos, "general", but the duties imparted by this title go beyond military power.

45. KEF-ah-lus. A politician who had been allied with Thrasybulus at certain points.

46. Literally, paraphronein means to "be beside (i.e. out of) one's mind."

47. melankholân, "to be melancholy", literally means one's bile has turned black. According the the dictates of ancient medicine, this was an indication of extreme mental disturbance.

48. tryblia, shallow bowls used for soup.

49. Knee-oh-CLYDE-ease, who is only attested in Aristophanes. He was best known for his poor eyesight, most likely the result of degenerative eye disease.

50. A children's song, according to the scholiast, meant to taunt those with poor eyesight.

51. The original Greek refers to a breakfast goulash involving pickled garlic, and may imply lower-class or country tastes.

52. Literally "looking hupotrimma." hupotrimma was a kind of sauce. Though we do not know its contents, we presume that it is spicy because in other such phrases ("looking like" such-and-such a condiment), Aristophanes uses piquant food such as watercress or mustard.

53. Literally, "The thesmothetês threatens that he won't get his three obols." The thesmothetês was an officer whose job it was to pay the jurors. Though ancient Greek coingage is a complex topic, for this play it should suffice to know that obols were the a type of coin worth one-sixth of a drachma.

54. Charitimides may indicate a famous general active in the 450's. The other two names do not appear to have any special significance apart from being masculine.

55. In later times, those attending Congress received a ticket showing that they were to be paid. Although it is not certain that the procedure was the same at the time the play was produced, it must have been similar.

56. Members of a given faction would sit close together to better demonstrate their support.

57. Literally, "when the pay was only one obol."

58. Literally, "among the garland-makers" in the Agora, rather than doing their civic duty.

59. Myronides was an Athenian general active in the 450's.

60. Literally, "the carriers of clay" for brickmakers. Doing manual labor for another person, as well as being paid by the day, were something a free man would avoid if possible.

61. Kinesias was a poet known both for his impiety and for his diarrhea. Sommerstein suggests that Frogs 366 and this joke both refer to an incident when Kinesias defecated on a statue of Hecate.

62. Literally, "little saffron-colored [dress]". Saffron was used to dye clothing, and the color itself was generally deemed feminine.

63. The quoted lines that follow employ tragic meter and vocabulary, but it is not known if they are a quote from an actual tragedy.

64. Literally "a wild pear (akhras) is plugging up the grain supply". Wild pears were thought to cause constipation. The reference to the grain supply sets up the following political joke.

65. The original Greek reads: "Not the one that Thrasybulus told the Spartans about." The sense is unclear, especially given the mood of the verb, but Sommerstein (40) suggests that Thrasybulus "delivered a violent invective against the Spartans".

66. The original Greek reads: "Not the one that Thrasybulus told the Spartans about." The sense is unclear, especially given the mood of the verb, but Sommerstein (40) suggests that Thrasybulus "delivered a violent invective against the Spartans".

67. Literally, "anyone terribly skilled in the art (tekhnê) of back-ass matters (kataprôktón)." The word tekhnê suggests a doctor, but the prôktos here most likely refers to the anus of the passive partner in homosexual sex.

68. Apart from this reference, we know nothing of Amynon, but the scholiast tells us he was a politician accused of being a prostitute.

69. Literally, "perhaps he will deny it."

70. There are two Antisthenes attested in Athenian politics. For the purposes of this joke, it matters little which one is referred to. The "groans", which are most likely a reference to groaining in pain, lead Sommerstein (41) to suggest that this Antisthenes was elderly and suffering from some illness. Blepyros, however, takes the groans as indicative of sexual activity.

71. Literally an oath to Eileithyia, the goddess of childbirth.

72. The practice was to use a rope smeared with red dye to "rope off" those who got there on time and mark them with red. For a full explanation see Sommerstein 42.

73. Three obols, originally. It is always difficult to translate currency units from ancient to modern, but rather than trying to find precise figures we have chosen a term that is likely to remain recognizable for a long period of time.

74. Literally, "they looked like shoemakers." Shoemakers worked indoors, and were thus thought of us being particularly pale for men. This is Chremes' explanation for appearance of so many pale faces (which really belong to the women) in Congress.

75. What follows is a quote from Aeschylus' Myrmidons. They were originally spoken by Achilles when he learned of Patroclus' death.

76. Literally, the prytaneis. See note 18.

77. The same bleary-eyed Neocleides mentioned above (see note 49).

78. A similar treatment is prescribed for Neocleides in Wealth 716-25. Spurge is a plant related to the succulent family; both spurge and fig trees produce a caustic sap that was used in medicinal treatments.

79. You-EYE-on. We know nothing else of Euaion, but this speech makes clear that he is poor.

80. Literally, "most demôtikos words." demôtikos, literally "of the people" is a difficult adjective to translate, as its sense can vary according to context.

81. Literally, four staters. A stater was a coin, struck from various metals and in different locations, but generally worth a large number of drachmas.

82. In the original Greek, "the fullers should provide cloaks to those who need them." Fullers were the ancient equivalent of dry cleaners, and as such they would have many cloaks on the premises.

83. Literally: "for those who do not have a coat or blankets, they should go to the tanners' to wash up and sleep." Tanners (workers who processed animal hides for use in clothing or furnishings) could provide wooly fleeces as blankets.

84. Literally, if he had added the provision that "the corn dealers would give three quarts (khonikes) [of grain] to the needy." Corn dealers were unpopular and are accused of price-gouging at various points.

85. A rich grain-dealer, mentioned elsewhere by Xenophon and Plato.

86. Not the most famous Nikias, but his grandson. Sommerstein suggests this reference is complimentary to his youthful good looks, rather than attacking his effeminacy.

87. A sykophantês was a person who sought out lawsuits as a way to make money.

88. The Thesmophoria is a women's festival in honor of Demeter (see notes 3 and 42).

89. Another oath to the twin goddesses, Demeter and Persephone (cf. note 30).

90. Originally, "only you didn't put down garlands and a lekythos", referring to the Greek prothesis or ritual "laying out" of a corpse. A lekythos is an oil jar.

91. Literally, "a hekteus of wheat." A hekteus is about two gallons.

92. The original joke plays off of Greek's ability to omit pronouns. Praxagora says, "[she/it] had a boy." Blepyros responds, "Congress did?" We have changed the structure slightly to reflect the limits of English grammar.

93. Originally, "sit down and chew some cuttlefish." The significance of chewing cuttlefish is disputed, and so we have taken the liberty of translating rather loosely according to the sense of the next line. See Sommerstein 55-56 for a complete discussion of the possible meanings.

94. Praxagora's original response is "To do what? Weave?" Weaving was an exclusively female activity, and Praxagora's disingenuous response ostentatiously draws attention to her properly feminine behavior. Thus we have chosen a gendered activity from the modern world for the translation.

95. The Neighbor's sudden re-entry is unusual, even by the standards of Aristophanic continuity. See Sommerstein for a complete discussion.

96. Literally, "no more being a sycophant." See note 87 above.

97. "no more envying those in the majority", but the implication is that envy will lead to competitive conspicuous consumption.

98. "no being naked and poor", but we have extended this sentiment to its logically general conclusion, using more modern terms.

99. Technically, the Greek refers to the ability of a loan-holder to seize any and all property of the debtor, but we have chosen a more understandable example from the modern world.

100. Literally, "even it were about eating shit, you'd want to go before me." Praxagora means to highlight Blepyros' interruption, but he takes it literally.

101. The gold mentioned in the Greek text is specifically gold Darics, Persian coins circulated by Athenians during a shortage of their own coinage. Money was generally considered an "invisible" asset in comparison to property and land.

102. These items are what one could expect at a moderate banquet.

103. Lie-SICK-crah-tees, of whom we know little else aside from another reference in this play (see note 123). Obviously, he is considered unattractive because of his prominent nose: the original Greek reads "The nose of Lysicrates will now seem on par with handsome men?"

104. Literally "those having seals," i.e. signet rings bearing the family seal – an ostentatious show of wealth that Praxagora hopes to stop.

105. Literally, the same kind of shoes (embades) the women steal at the beginning of the play. Here they seem to indicate the sort of footwear a common man (rather than rich young buck) would wear.

106. Nothing certain is known about these figures.

107. Aristyllus is mentioned in two other Aristophanes passages, both of which repeat the accusation that Aristyllus either eats dung or enjoys licking anuses.

108. A pun in Greek as well. Literally, "you would smell of peppermint", kalaminthê; the word for "poop" was minthos.

109. Blepyros refers to the bêma, the speaker's podium in a court.

110. Literally, "I will put wine jugs and water vessels on it." Ancient wine was much stronger than modern, and had to be mixed with water.

111. A klêrôtêrion allowed people to draw lots for jury duty in public, giving maximum transparency to the process of random assignment. Praxagora will use the same system to assign dining groups.

112. Harmodius and his friend Aristogeiton killed the brother of the tyrant Hipparchus, and as such were national heroes. Bronze statues of them stood in the Agora.

113. The stoa basileos is literally "the colonnade of the king," but in Athenian practice contained the office of one of the nine archons.

114. Sommerstein (73) identifies this as the stoa of Zeus Eleutherios to the south of the stoa basileos.

115. The Stoa Alphitopôlis is literally the "Colonnade of the Corn Market," the location of which is not known with certainty.

116. Literally, "hideous and apelike".

117. The appearance of figs still on the tree was thought to resemble male genitalia.

118. A pun on akmas, literally the "tip" or "top". Thus, it could refer to the "cream of the crop" or to the tip of a penis.

119. Greek used "piglet" (khoiros) exactly as English uses "pussy," as slang for female genitalia. Respectable upper-class women trimmed, plucked, and singed to keep their pubic hair groomed.

120. Literally, "that [guy] of the General" — referencing Praxagora's standing as strategos (note 44) and inverting the normal practice of referring to women by means of their realtionship to male relatives (cf. note 10).

121. The "parade" Chremes describes is actually a ritual procession. The roles he will designate for his items make it likely he is thinking of the Panatheniac festival, in particular.
The flour-sifter is a device meant to separate bran from flour, and Chremes designates it "basket-bearer" (kanêphoros). The basket-bearers were teenaged girls who carried baskets containing ritual implements for the sacrifice, and they led the procession. The sifter's floury appearance suggests a woman because women too were often "powdered" with white lead, used to make their skin appear paler.

122. "But who will be the stool carrier?" The diphrophoros carried a stool for the baketbearers to sit on.

123. The same big-nosed Lysicrates mentioned earlier (see note 103). Chremes implies that the pot is as black as the one Lysicrates uses to mix his dye.

124. A kommôtria was a maid responsible for helping her mistress with her toillette. In a ritual context, the kommôtria carried s parasol to shield the baske-bearer from the sun.

125. "Bring the jug, water-carrier!" The hydriaphoroi ("water carriers") were the daughters of resident aliens, and they carried jugs of water (hydria) in the procession. Since the Greek puns on both the word-formation and function, and we have tried to preserve both aspects.

126. "Cithara-carriers "(kitharôidoi) were musicians in the procession.

127. Resident aliens carried trays with offerings of honeycombs as part of the ritual.

128. In the Panathenaic procession, old men would carry olive branches.

129. "And the two tripods and the oil flask (lekythos)". Tripods were three-legged cooking pots that could stand over a fire. Sommerstein suggests the oli flask stands in for the large amphorae of oil used in the real procession.

130. "the rest" translates okhlos, which refers to the general populace watching the procession.

131. The dissenter refers to the practice of selling off debtors' goods and property if they were in default. It is the same practice referred to in note 99.

132. Literally, "making a parade for Hieron the judge." Sommerstein suggests that the dissenter is "trying to make sense of what he sees by associating it with something that commonly happens (or happened, before the revolution) in ordinary life, and we should probably deduce that when goods were displayed for sale by public auction…they were often put out in a long row on a table or board." (79). Nothing is known about Hieron, so we have ommitted his name in the translation.

133. The motion of putting out the hand with palm up is associated with magistrates asking for a bribe.

134. All of these would be considered bad omens --at least to those of a superstitious bent.

135. The same groaning Antisthenes mentioned in note 70 --as the following joke makes clear --and the joke also implies that losing money would make him groan even more.

136. Callimachus is a "chorus-trainer" (khorodidaskolos) and possibly a composer of poetry as well.

137. Callias was a man of property, which makes it more egregious that he will not contribute --although see the following joke. Despite his adultery and debauchery, Callias was active in political and religious matters, and was elected strategos in 391.

138. We do not know which decree this refers to but salt was an expensive commodity in the ancient worl and the scholiast suggests that this decree would have aimed to reduce its price.

139. In 406, silver-plated bronze coins were struck as emergency coinage; they quickly fell in value, hence the Dissenter's disgust.

140. Technically, Chremes says he had a "mouthful" of bronze coins; it was standard Athenian practice to carry coins in the mouth.

141. Presumably because of their low value; it is also possible that Chremes is exaggerating.

142. Readings of the name vary between Euripides and Heurippides. Either way, the proposed tax rate of 2.5% is more than double the rate.

143. Literally, "dip him in gold," a metaphor for showering with praise, then "cover with pitch", as preparation for burning him alive. We have made the first metaphor more explicit, as it seemed likely that modern audiences would take the it as literally as the second phrase.

144. Literally, "the dining-couches are strewn with rugs and pillows." Ancient couches were not upholstered, and these accessories were meant to suggest luxury. Since modern couches are generally upholstered, we have translated accordingly.

145. In the Greek, these are myropôolides, female perfume-sellers. Presumably they are providing perfume at no cost, per the new regulations.

146. We know nothing of Smoios outside of other references in Aristophanes, all of which suggestion he enjoyed performing oral sex on women. (Note: this was not a compliment in ancient Greece.) "Bowl" is used euphemistically for female genetalia. Smoios is wearing a cavalry outfit, which would indicate youth, but we presume this is meant as an incongruous costume for an older man; it may also suggest "riding" in a sexual sense.

147. GEH-ron. Geron simply means "old man", and may or may not be an actual person; Sommerstein suggests this may also be a corruption of Hieron. Either way, his youthful clothing does not suit his age.

148. "barley cake" (maza) served as an all-purpose base for sauces and relishes.

149. Literally, "I've plastered myself with white lead." Ancient women used white lead much like modern women use foundation, and several jokes will play on the hag's heavy-handed makeup application.

150. We have omitted "one of the Ionian [songs]." Ionian songs were thought to be sensual and luxurious.

151. Literally an auletês, most often translated as "flute player." But thea ancient flute (aulos) is a reed instrument held vertically, more like a clarinet or oboe than our modern flute.

152. The original Greek uses the word mêlon, which means "apple" most literally, but is also used metaphorically for rosy cheeks and breasts. Rather than choosing only translation, we have tried to express the semantic range.

153. Literally, "invite Orthagoras". Though it is an attested name, the girl here plays on the sense of orthos ("straight, hard") to suggest the old hag find a dildo.

154. Literally "you put the L [lambda] in Lesbian". In the ancient world "lesbian" did not carry the implication that it does today. Rather, women from the isle of Lesbos were known for their skill at fellatio.

155. The girl refers to both the white lead used as foundation and to the overapplication of blush.

156. Literally, Gerês, whom the scholiast identifies as a real person known for being old and bald. But the word also puns on "old age."

157. Literally, " a man from the deme of Anaphlystos", punning on the verb anaphlyôn, "to get erect." We presume the young man refers to self-pleasure as a way to avoid being taken in by the hag.

158. Dick-STIFF-ah-knees, for Greek 'Sebinos', which is not a real name but a word derived from se binein --"a guy to fuck you".

159. The language used in this joke plays on a genuine political issue. At certain points there was not enough money to run the court system, resulting in moratoriums on cases worth less than a certain fiscal value. The young man uses legal language, originally intended to refer to sums of money, to pun on age in years.

160. The Greeks played pettoi, a generic glass of games that involved throwing dice, moving players' pieces, and taking turns.

161. Literally, "the guy who paints funeral urns [lekythoi]." This may refer to an actual painter who specialized in lekythoi, or to Death himself, who inspires such paintings.

162. The original joke refers to the hook used to lower buckets into a well, and suggests throwing the old woman down instead.

163. Literally, "Today I will become Procrustes." Procrustes was Greek mythological figure who tortured his guests by stretching them or sawing them to fit a bed. Theseus killed him using the same method. The joke also plays on the Greek verb pro-krouein, "perform a preliminary banging" used above in the decree, neatly implying that the "prebanging" is equivalent to Procrustes' torture.

164. The hag refers to a law that states men are unable to handle transactions over the value of a medimnos (1.5 bushels of grain). This is the language of an actual Athenian law limiting women's ability to handle transactions; as such we have chosen to keep only the reversal and omit the specific quantities.

165. He threatens to claim he is a merchant (emporos); presumably he means a sea merchant, who were allowed to delay court cases in order to take advantage of fair sailing weather.

166. Originally, it's "Diomedian necessity" (Diomêdeia anankê), a saying that refers to Diomedes driving Odysseus in front of him with a sword. We have chosen to quote Winston Churchill to capture the well-known nature.

167. In the original Greek the monster is called by her name, Empusa. She was a bogey-woman whose appearance could change from story to story.

168. Literally, "Heracles, Pans, Korybantes, and Dioscuri." Heracles is the famous Greek hero. Pan is the goat-footed god of the woods; though he occasionally appears in the plural (as here), he most often a singular deity, especially in the modern minset, and we used the singular form to avoid audience confusion. The Korybantes accompany the goddess Cybele. They, and Pan, may suggest the frenzied panic the young man feels. The Dioscuri are Castor and Polydeuces, sons of Zeus.

169. "You guys would make terribly good ferrymen --you'd grind your passengers by dragging them." As this joke relies on a cultural knowledge of ancient ferrying practices, we have chosen to change it entirely.

170. We have omitted a "by Zeus" and replaced it with a more common exclamation.

171. We have omitted the lead-in, "Just as in the matter of Cannonus's vote..." Nothing is known about the vote, and as such including it would not have added further meaning.

172. Some scholars take the toad (phrynê) as a reference to an actual (and presumably unattractive) woman named Phryne. The toad is "swollen about the jaws", literally.

173. Literally "Thasian vintages". Thasian wine was known to be rich.

174. The serving maid literally says "pour the wine unmixed," which would confuse a modern listener. Ancient winemaking produced something more like a high-alcohol sour mash than our highly filtered modern wine, and this would usually be mixed with water. Drinking unmixed wine was a sign of excess or, as here, celebration.

175. Literally, "in the Cretan fashion." Cretan dancers were known for their skill and athleticism.

176. This term, a compound composed of many different parts, has the distinction of being the longest single word recorded in Greek. Some of the ingredients, such as the multiple species of fish and birds, suggest luxury, but others suggest more common fare. We have done our best to translate accordingly.

177. In the Greek, the final song ends with the repetition of the words iai, evai, and evoi, all of which are exclamations associated with the komos. Given that these exclamations do not have semantic content, we have have chosen to mirror a modern practice artists such as Regina Spektor, Rhianna, and Lady Gaga, repeating a syllable for rhythm.