Act I

The stage is dark and silent. A door is faintly visible stage left.

A woman walks onstage, dressed in a long tunic with a cloak slung over it. A veil conceals her face and a false beard hangs from her neck. A laurel wreath dangles from one wrist, hitting the walking stick she carries in her hand. Balancing these items carefully, she uses her other hand to hold an Aladdin-style lamp in front of her, with the flame rising from its snout. Her feet are clad in ostentatiously large boots.

She holds lamp aloft and addresses it with exaggerated solemnity.1

O bright eye of clay-cast lamp, Grandest invention of artisans wise!
Allow your pedigree to be revealed:
The mighty potter threw you on his wheel
(squinting at the snout)
Your nostrils became a lighthouse of sun.
(waving it about)
Send out the secret signals of your flame.
'Tis you we trust in pursuit of Aphrodite's ways...
On the bedstand you sit while we try to get laid.
(bringing the lamp eye level, she chides it affectionately)
Your watchful eye cannot be banned From rooms with bodies banging.
You light up our thighs in bloom You singe hairs from our flow'ring hoo-hahs.2

She illustrates with appropriate gestures, ending with flourish.

You conspire to 'lift' the gifts of Bacchus, Springing wine jugs from pantry prison.

She pirouettes dramatically, bowing to the lamp.

She pulls the veil off her head and drops the tragic posturing --but she's still talking to the lamp.

(fondly) And you do all that without blabbing to the neighbors.

She puts down the wreath and walking stick as she cradles the lamp in her other hand.

For that, you get to know about the the plans we devised at the Scira festival.3 My friends should've been here by now, but not a single one has come and it's almost dawn already. Congress will convene any second now. We've got to get seats there, and — as Phyromachus4 once said — "ladies must be seated without attracting attention."

She looks around.

So what the hell's going on?! Maybe they didn't get ahold of the fake beards like they said they would? Or, maybe they had a hard time stealing their husbands' coats without getting caught? (straining to see) But wait! I see a light up ahead! I'd better hide. Whoever's coming might be a man.

Praxagora steps back into the shadows.

Several women approach from various points offstage. They creep through the darkness without lamps, but otherwise they are wearing the same get-up as Praxagora — though perhaps they don't pull it off as elegantly. Some trip over their boots; others haven't draped their cloaks quite right.

(to the others) It's time to go—I just heard the second cock-a-doodle-doo.

Praxagora sighs with exasperation and steps forward.

I was the one up all night waiting for you guys.

She looks stage left, expectantly.

I guess I'd better get my neighbor. I'll knock lightly on her door so her husband won't hear and she can sneak out.

She creeps steathily stage left, crouching so as not to be seen. She barely taps. A woman's head appears from behind the door.

(whispering loudly) Just a second!

The neighbor's head disappears for a moment. Then she appears in full, wearing the same get-up as the other women. She runs as delicately as possible in her boots, tripping across the stage to meet Praxagora.

I was putting on my shoes when I heard you knock. I swear I wasn't asleep — my husband's a navy guy,5once he sets sail he "rows" me all night. I couldn't steal his coat 'til just now.

Praxagora cocks her head, as though she hears something. She turns stage right.

Oh look, I see Kleinaréte…and Sostráte…and Philainéte.6

More strangely attired women approach from stage right. Praxagora addresses the newcomers sternly.

Why didn't you get here sooner? (shaking her finger) Don't you remember our bet? We swore the last to show up would have to pay up: three jugs of wine and a bag of chickpeas!7

Woman One points and laughs at a woman having trouble with her shoes.

(to Praxagora) Hey, do you see Melistíche, plodding along in her husband's shoes?8

PRAXAGORA She's not too quick....But that's not her husband's fault.

A woman staggers onstage with a torch in her right hand, and almost falls flat on her face as she trips over her boots. She shuffles sheepishly to the back of the crowd.

Woman One barely conceals a laugh.

And do you see the barkeep's wife, Booze-istrata,9 over there?

More women enter. Woman Two looks them over critically.

Yeah! And I see Philodoretus' wife, and Chairetades' wife,10 and lots of others — the city's finest!

(slightly out of breath) Sweetie, I tried to sneak out, but my husband stuffed himself with sardines. He was up (she shudders with disgust) belching all night. I had the worst time getting away.11

Other women nod sympathetically and mutter in agreement. They're just starting to compare war stories when Praxagora gestures for silence.

OK, everyone. Please take your seats. We established our goals at the festival for Athena last summer. Now that you're all here, I need to find out if you've achieved your objectives.

A woman thrusts up her hand eagerly.

(breathlessly) Ooo, I did! My armpits are scruffier than an overgrown shrub, just like we agreed. And then, whenever my husband was off at work, I oiled up my arms and legs and worshipped the sun all day. Look at my farmer's tan!12

She shows off her tan proudly. The women mumur their approval.

Woman Two raises her hand just as eagerly, revealing an impressive shock of armpit hair. Some women gasp in horror.

Me too! My razor? I chucked it right in the trash. I'm so stubbly, you'd think I was a man. Or at least a drag king.

The rest of the women look at her with a combination of admiration, disgust, and curiosity. Praxagora tries to bring their attention back to the task at hand.

Speaking of which, (holding her fake beard up) do you all have your beards?? Remember, we all agreed to bring them.

Woman One waves her beard in the air, still an eager beaver.

(proudly) Heck-a-te yeah.13The one I've got's real nice!

(not to be outdone) And mine's far better than Ol’ Longbeard’s!14Arrrr!

The two wave their beards competitively at each other. Praxagora ignores them andturns to the rest of the women.

What about the rest of you? Do you have yours?

All the women nod; some say "yes" with varying degrees of enthusiasm.

(to Praxagora) Looks like they have them.

(approvingly) Good. I see that you've met my expectations. You’ve managed to rustle up men’s shoes, staffs, and coats, just like we agreed.15

Woman One can't help but brag as she brandishes an obscenely long rod.

Even better, I nabbed the honorable Mr. Lame-ass's rod16while he slept!

Some of the women touch the staff with approval. Woman Two inspects it thoroughly.

(skeptically) Is it that the one he leans on to fart?

Several women snicker knowingly. Praxagora drops her authoritative façade for a moment.

She turns away from the group and addresses the audience directly.

(conspiratorially) Zeus Almighty, of all politicians that fart-monster should just put on a hundred-holed leather vest, and ride his cattle straight to hell!17

She resumes her position of authority.

(forcefully) Anyhow, let's move on to the next item while it's still dark out.

She squints at the sky.

We don't have much time to prepare—Congress begins at daybreak.

Murmurs of agreement from the women.

Yes, and we need to snag those front-row seats, the ones right across from the speaker’s podium.18

Woman Two holds up a bundle of knitting.

Hey, look what I brought! Now I can knit19 while Congress gets started!

Praxagora turns to look at Woman Two, not believing what she has just heard.

Knit, you idiot?

What? (defensively) By the chaste bosom of Artemis, don't you think I can knit and listen at the same time? My kids are practically naked!

(disgustedly) Great. Picture that. The whole point is to fit in with the men, and there you are knitting with your legs exposed. We'd be pretty screwed if some woman clambered over a full Congress like that and flashed her "Phromisius"20 But if we get there early enough, we can go "under cover".

Praxagora demonstrates this by tightly wrapping the coat around her, concealing her body.

And when we attach our beards and let 'em all hang out, who wouldn't think we’re men?

She quickly pulls her beard up to cover her face, then puts it down.

Right! (pointing at the audience) That guy Agyhrrius used to be a woman, but with Pronomos's21 beard, he passes. And now look at him: he's in charge of the whole city!

The women laugh in agreement.

Praxagora draws herself up, speaking in an ostentatiously serious tone.

Just like him, on this day, we must brave so brazen a feat.

Her speech gains momentum.

We must somehow seize the affairs of state and do something good for the city. Right now we're neither captains nor rowers on the ship of state.

(earnestly) But wait, how can a bunch of harebrained women run Congress?? PRAXAGORA Best of all, I think. They say the best politicians got pounded most as interns.22 As it happens, getting screwed comes naturally to us!

Woman One looks skeptical.

I’m not so sure. We still lack experience.

But that's exactly why we're here—to prepare for our moment in Congress. So you put on your beard right away. (turning to the other women) And the same goes for the rest of you. If you're planning on speaking in there, you'd better practice.

Hon, which woman here doesn't already know how to talk?!

(exasperated) Just put on your beard and be a man already.

The women begin to put on their beards. Praxagora picks up her own laurel wreath.

I'll keep my wreath and beard nearby, just in case I decide to speak.

The women help each other put on the beards properly, straightening them and tying them tightly.

Hey, Praxagora! Come over here. It’s a nightmare! Check out how ridiculous this is!

What's so ridiculous?

(in hysterics) It's as if you stuck a beard on a seared squid!23

Praxagora sighs and stares blankly at the woman. Deciding she's not going to make progress with this one, she starts the ritual that begins Congress. She walks solemnly around the women, then turns to a woman next to her.

Priestess, bring out the weasel!24

The woman brings out a stuffed weasel. Praxagora takes it and waves it ceremonially. She sets it aside.

(calling Congress into session) Everyone please come to the front.

(to an errant woman) You there! Stop talking.25Come here and sit down.

The woman does

Who wishes to speak?

I do.

Please put on the wreath.

The woman does.

Good luck to you.

(straightening her wreath) All set.

You may begin speaking.

What?! Without a drink?

A drink?!?!

Yes, a drink. (with a flourish) Why else would I put on this stupid wreath?26

Praxagora grabs the wreath from the woman's head.

Get out! You would have ruined us in there.

Huh? Don't they drink in Congress?

(disgusted) You and your "don't they drink"….

WOMAN ONE

By the Jaeger-mistress,27 I know they do — straight up! Their legislation is trashed and they vote like drunks. For Zeussakes, think about it. Politicians only pray if they're drinking.28 They abuse each other like winos, until the police drag out the biggest boozer...

Go sit down. You're useless.

(grumbling to herself) Zeus29 I wish I had never grown this damned beard. As it is, I'm about to die of thirst….

Does anyone else wish to speak?

(somewhat timidly) I do.

Go ahead and put on the wreath.

Praxagora starts to worry that this isn't going to work. (to herself, trying to bolster her own confidence)

There’s no turning back now.

As the woman puts on the wreath, Praxagora decides to try more of a "coach" tactic.

All right now, speak in a good manly fashion. (gruffly) Lean your weight on that stick.

(taking up a convincing politician’s tone) My friends, I for my part would have preferred to sit by quietly, if only a senior member of Congress had in fact advised the best course of action. But as it is, I cannot allow these taverns of ill repute to keep filling their kegs — with water! I will not stand for this, by the Twins!30

Caught up in excitement, she puts both hands to her breasts and drops her stick.

By the Twins, you moron?! Have you lost your mind?

What did I do? I didn't ask you for a drink?!

Zeus Almighty, you’re supposed be a man, yet you swore on the Twins! She sighs disappointedly and removes the wreath from the woman's head. Otherwise, you spoke perfectly.

Oh man…ummm…."By Apollo"!?!

Just stop! I will not take another step towards Congress unless we are completely prepared.

Give back the wreath. (She grabs it.) I want to speak again. (with dignified resolve) I believe I have perfected my speech.

She composes herself and begins her speech again.

In my opinion, ladies of the Congress…

Ladies!? Again, you boob? You're talking to men!!

(pointing to an audience member) It’s because of him. (gestures) That twinkle toes Epigonos31 over there. I saw him and thought I was talking to women!

(resignedly) Go away, you, and sit down. Thanks to you all, now I have to take the wreath and do the job myself…

She does. She puts on the wreath, then holds her arms out with palms up.

I begin by praying to the gods for their help with bringing our deliberations to success.

She pauses dramatically.32

My fellow Congressmen, I am distressed. My stake in this country is the same as yours, and yet my heart is burdened by the current state of affairs. How is it that we constantly elect criminals to office? If one of these men chooses to act responsibly for just one day, he will be twice as corrupt for the next ten. Say we turn to another for guidance --his misconduct will, no doubt, be even worse.

She pauses dramatically, again.

Now, let me be clear, the prospect of giving advice to hardheaded Congressmen like you is daunting --daunting because, without fail, you fear men who take your side and chase after those who openly oppose you.

As we all know, before Congress existed at all, no one failed to recognize the corruption of a leader like Aghyrrius.33 But now that there is a Congress, anyone under the spell of money praises the system. Others denounce corruption and proclaim death as a punishment for greed, but they themselves are no less covetous.34

By Aphrodite's nightie, that sounds great!

Without missing a beat Praxagora turns to smack the woman with her wreath.

You moron! You swore by Aphrodite?!?! Great move, if you said that in Congress.

But I wouldn't.

Don't do it now, then. She resumes a dignified oratorical posture.

At the time when we deliberated about joining our allies in war, some were saying that our city would be destroyed if there was no alliance.35 But as soon as we forged the alliance, everyone was outraged, and the politician who urged this plan36 immediately went into hiding.

Next we're told that we need a surge in naval forces—an attractive option to the desperate, perhaps, but not to the rich or the farmers attached to their land.37

As it is, one moment you are enraged at the Corinthian anti-war faction and they at you; the next, they are brilliant and so are you.38 And how is it that a war-monger from Argos is stupid, but our own Hieronymus is wise?39

At last a chance for peace peeks through, but then that hawk Thrasybulus ruins it; he is angry because he was not consulted.40

(referring to Praxagora) Wow, that man is clever!

Praxagora winks encouragingly.

Now you're talkin'!

She returns to her speech.

Men of Congress, this is your fault. You are to blame because, even though you receive your paycheck from this government, each of you is intent on personal gain. You have shown no concern for the public good. You have thrown it under the chariot, just like Aesimus.41

The choice is ours. If you are willing to follow my advice, we can still save the city. (Pause) I propose that we hand our city over to the women --the women who have, in fact, already acted as governors and treasurers in our own homes.

The women cheer loudly.

(pounding her staff rhythmically on the ground) Right on, right on, by Zeus, right on!!

(also pounding her staff) More, more! Speak on, good man!

Praxagora, now caught up in her own successful delivery, takes it over top. She settles the crowd with her hands.

Thank you, thank you. Please. Let me explain. Women surpass us in every way. To begin with, they, every last one of them, dye wool the old-fashioned way --in hot water! You would never see a single woman doing something new. The Athenian city, on the other hand, does not know the meaning of the word "tradition". Even if a practice is useful, the city can't stop itself from trying out some strange alternative.

But women...

Women sit down to shuck and roast corn, same as always.
They use their heads for transporting goods, same as always.
They dutifully host the state fair42 each year, same as always.
They bake cakes, same as always.
They harass their husbands....

Praxagora waits expectantly. The chorus of women catches on and chimes in from now on.

...same as always!

They sneak their lovers inside the house...

...same as always!

They nibble on bonbons...

...same as always!

They like their wine "full-bodied"...

...same as always!

They like a good fuck...

...same as always!

The women cheer even more loudly. Praxagora takes advantage of the laughter to return to a more serious point.

Now is the time to act, men of Congress. Let us not engage in needless debate about handing the city over to the women, nor enquire what they intend to do. Rather, let us simply allow them to govern, taking these few facts into consideration: as mothers, their top priority will be to save our soldiers, their sons. Who, I ask, would be quicker to send provisions than a mother? And when it comes to managing money, a wife is the most resourceful of all. Once they're in power, we won't have to worry about women being cheated — women spend their whole lives cheating others.

I could go on, but I will stop there. Consider that if you adopt my plan, the rest of your lives will be spent in carefree bliss.

The women clap enthusiastically.

Praxagora, that was amazing! Where the hell did you learn to speak like that?

During the war my husband and I were living in the refugee camps near city hall.43 I could hear the Congressmen debating from there and, after a while, I figured out how to speak like a politician.

Well, no wonder you're so savvy.

Woman One looks around. The other women nod their approval.

Woman one extends her hand formally.

The women here are ready to help you accomplish your agenda. We hereby offer you the position of commander-in-chief.44

Praxagora takes her hand. They shake on it.

But what if that asshole potter, Kephalos,45 comes after you while you're speaking? What would you say to him?

I'll tell him he's a psycho...46

Everybody knows that already.

...and that he's a black-biled crackpot…47

Everyone knows that too.

And that he's no better at running the city than he is at manufacturing shitty dinnerware.48

The women laugh.

But what if that blind son-of-a-bitch Neocleides49 tries to take you down?

I'd tell him to stare up a dog's butt.50

More laughter.

What if they try to pound on you?

I'll pound them right back. (She thrusts rhythmically back and forth.) I've got a lot of experience at pounding.

The women hoot and holler.

One last question. What if the security guards try to drag you out? What would you do then?

I'll elbow them in the ribs, like this.

She demonstrates, nearly slamming Woman One to the ground.

There's no way they could pin me.

Woman One, now riled up, tries to join in the militant revolution.

Yeah, and if they did get you, we'd...we'd tell them to...(lamely ) let go!

This elicits half-heartedly militant roars from the rest of the women. Woman One looks thoughtful.

Our plan seems pretty good so far, but there's still a problem we need to resolve: When it's time to vote, how will we remember to hoist our hands? We only know how to spread our legs!

Hmm, that is a problem.

She thinks for a moment.

Nevertheless, we must vote with our hands. Simply uncover your right arm (she pulls her sleeve up) and raise it (she demonstrates).

The rest of the women imitate her with varying degrees of success. A few still raise their legs.

Praxagora circulates among the women, helping them with the final touches.

(to one group) C'mon now, pull up your tunics and put on your shoes. Pretend you're your husband going to Congress. (to another group) Once you've got that down, put on your beards.

She now addresses the group at large.

Once your beards are securely attached, throw on those stolen coats, and lean on your staffs. Hobble along and sing some tune like grandpa would— try not to look too cultured!

The women finish their preparations and form messy lines of troops. Woman One stands at the head of one line.

We're ready. (to her troops) Let's go on ahead. The women who couldn't join us will head straight from their farms to the city hall.

We have to hurry. Anyone not there by dawn is turned away empty-handed.

A chorus of women dressed as men enters. They join the women already onstage, and all march offstage towards Congress, singing a happy song.

Time for us men to head out. We have to say "men" every time so we don't slip out of character. The punishment won't be small if we're caught trying to pull off this crazy scheme.

The chorus breaks into two semi-choruses. The first semi-chorus steps forward.

Onward to Congress, "men"!
If you don't show up first thing...
Dusty from the running, full of grits and grinning,51 looking hot as salsa…52
Well, you won't get your cash!53

The leader of the first semi-chorus addresses them, still pretending they are men.

Hey, Drakes, hop to it!
Step it up, Smikythos! 54follow me!
Don't make a wrong move.
Get your ticket55 and sit in tight formation.56 Prepare to vote for female domination -
Wait! What'd I say just then?!
I meant, "the country should be run by men."

The first semi-chorus steps back. The second steps forward, and their Chorus Leader now addresses the chorus and the audience, taking on the persona of a crusty old man.

When those city boys arrive, drive them away! (Recalling the past) When the pay was crap, where were they?57 Sitting on their asses, wasting time with florists,58 stringing fancy garlands and talking shop

But now they're ready to fight their way into Congress?!

Not good old Myronides! Back in the day,59
when he was in charge, no one dared ask for pay
just for doing his Zeus-sworn civic duty.
Lugging his thermos and hauling his lunch,
Every guy showed up with something to munch: Two onions, three olives, a slice of bread...
But now they're just looking for the dough,

Like those goddamn day laborers.60

The "men" grumble their agreement loudly, then shuffle offstage in a huff.

ACT II

The stage is dark. Suddenly, a spotlight reveals a man in a bed. He rises with a start.

What the…?!?!

He looks around.

Where'd that woman run off to now? It's still dark, and she's nowhere to be found.

(groaning) I've been lying here, needing to take a shit.

He moves to get out of bed, looking around.

I'm never gonna find my shoes and coat in the dark.

He hastily wraps his naked body in a sheet. Holding it awkwardly around himself, he crawls desperately around the stage, darting in and out of vision.

I'm groping around like a blind man here. Meanwhile, the shit collector's already been knocking at my back door.

He searches a bit more, then gives up. He stands up, still clutching the sheet to his body with his elbows, while holding a gauzy-looking piece of fabric in one hand and a fuzzy pair of his wife's mules in the other.

Forget it. I'm just gonna have to put on my wife's nightie and these fancy slippers.

He awkwardly puts on the nightie and slippers and exits the house. The spotlight follows him as begins to search frantically outside. During his monologue, his tone varies along with the relative urgency of his physical state.

But where could a guy go to find a good spot to shit?

He's now wandering around the stage, deep in thought.

(shrugging philosophically at the audience ) Well, since it's dark out, there's no bad place to shit, is there? (Chuckles.) No one's gonna see me anyway.

Blepyros hesitates. Half-squats, holding his dress out of the way. Realizing he's wearing a dress, grasps the fabric angrily.

Zeusdammit! Why did an old bastard like me take a wife? I deserve a good beating for that one. She just took off and I know she's up to no good.

Assuming a more urgent position.

But when you gotta go, you gotta go.

A spotlight reveals The Neighbor as he enters stage left, wearing a dress and pumps. He spies Blepyros squatting.

(almost to himself) Who's that there? He approaches Blepyros. (more loudly) Blepyros, that's not you, is it?

It sure as hell is.

What is that flaming lingerie you're wearing? It looks like Kinesias exploded on you.61

(defensively) No, it's my wife's (struggling to find the right word) .... lemon-colored thingy.62(sheepishly) I had to put something on before I came out here.

The Neighbor looks at him disgustedly.

Well, where's your coat?

That, I can't say. I ransacked the bedroom looking for it.

Why not just make your wife tell you?

Zeus, man, you know, she wasn't actually there…She slipped out last night.

He strikes a tragic pose63—at least as much as he can while still squatting.

I fear there is some scheme afoot.

By Poseidon's sea shell collection, the same thing happened to me! That wife of mine took off with my favorite coat. (incredulously) That’s not all, she took my shoes! I can’t find the damned things anywhere.

You too, by the grape-clusters of Dionysus?! I couldn’t find my dress shoes either—but I still had to shit. So I crammed my feet into these little frilly pumps...

The neighbor bends down suspiciously to inspect the slippers. Blepyros shifts his squat to one side and sticks his foot out.

(by way of explanation) ...to keep from shitting in my blanket.

The neighbor looks incredulous

What?....It was clean.

Well then, what the hell’s going on? Maybe one of her friends invited her over for breakfast?

Yeah, you might be right.

She’s not some skank, as far as I know.

Blepyros strains. The neighbor observes.

Wow, it looks like you’re trying to tug some sort of rope outta there.

He mimes checking his watch and starts backing away slowly.

Well...it looks like it’s time for me to go to Congress. If I can find my cloak, that is. It’s my only good one.

(still squatting) I’ll go too, as soon as I relieve myself. But right now it feels like there’s a friggin' potato plugging up my cornhole!64

Hah. Let’s hope this blockade doesn’t last as long as the one against the islands!65

The neighbor exits. Blepyros, now alone, makes a face and grunts with extra effort.

By the grapes of Dionysus, I’m really stopped up. What I am going to do? It’s not just my current state – (getting more and more frantic) what about next time I eat? Where will the turds go? This tater tot from Spud-opolis66 has my silo yammed-up!

He turns to the audience, still in squatting position.

Can any of you get me a doctor? A specialist? Anyone a proctologist out there?67

(pointing) Oh, I know. There’s Amynon. He’s an ass man.68(disappointedly) Oh, right. He’s in the closet.69

A new idea hits him

Someone call Antisthenes STAT. I've heard those groans...that guy sure knows what a loaded asshole wants.70

He falls to his knees howling.

Goddess of natural childbirth!71

Dawn is just starting to break. Blepyros doesn't notice his neighbor Chremes approach.

Hey, you.

Blepyros continues howling. Chremes watches him writhe for a moment.

(more loudly) What are you doing? (disgusted) You're not taking a shit are you?

Blepyros stops howling. He looks up at Chremes. Waits a moment. Rises to his knees.

Who, me?

He stands up.

Technically, no.

Chremes eyes Blepyros' get-up.

Is that you wife's nightie you've got on?

(exasperated) It was dark. I happened to grab this. (changing the subject) So...where have you been?

Congress.

Blepyros looks at his nonexistent watch.

Is it over already?

For crying out loud—it was over by daybreak! They roped it off right away and --everloving Zeus! --left all of us slowpokes just standing there.72

Did you get your three bucks, at least?73

If only. I'm ashamed to say I got there too damned late and left with my wallet empty.

How's that possible?

A huge crowd showed up at Congress. The place was jam-packed with people I've never seen before. They looked like a bunch of white-collar types to us.74It was a whitey-white Congress. So I got nothing. Neither did a bunch of the other guys.

So if I went now I wouldn't get paid either?

Impossible. Not even if you got there before the cock crowed a second time.

Blepyros throws his hands up in frustration.

Alas! Wretched am I! (quoting Aeschylus)75"Antilochus, pity me, and not these coins --for I still live. All is lost."

He stops emoting.

What could've been so important that all these people showed up this morning?

(sarcastically) You mean aside from the President's desire to save the city?76

Chremes grimaces as he remembers.

And of course that fuzzy eye-hole Neocleides77 was the first one to slither up to the podium. The members of Congress shouted like you wouldn't believe: "How can this guy dare to advise us? He's the one telling us how to save the city, when he can't even save his own eyeball?"

Then he shouted back, eyeing them up: "What the hell should I do?"

(one beat behind) That's easy. You just mix up some garlic with fig juice, stir in a little Spartan spurge, and rub it on your eyelids right before bed.78(pleased with himself) That's what I woulda said if I'd been there!

Chremes rolls his eyes and ignores Blepyros.

(warming to his theme) And after him, Euaion,79 who's at least competent, came forward. – the poor bastard claimed he was wearing a coat but it was so tattered the crowd thought he was naked. He then spoke words that would appeal to any Democrat:80 (putting on a whiny voice in imitation of Euaion) "On the subject of safety, I'm sure you can see I myself need some bailing out – to the tune of four grand.81But nevertheless, I'm going to tell you how you can save the city and its people. When winter comes round, retailers should give coats to the needy.82That way, none of us would catch pneumonia. When a bed and bath are beyond their means, people should be allowed to sleep at the merchants' stores.83And if the merchant locks them out in wintertime, he should be fined three blankets!"

(speaking with wonder) Zeus in the sky, that's brilliant! If only he'd added unlimited food for the poor no one would ever vote against it.84 And if any store manager tried to wiggle out of it, they'd end up squealing like a stuck pig. Even that stinge Nausicydes85 would have to comply.

After that, an attractive young man, a bit pale (like Nikias86) jumped up to address the crowd. He started to say that we should hand the city over to the women. There was an immediate uproar, and the crowd of cobblers shouted their approval. But the farmers were rumbling and grumbling against it.

Well, they had a point, by God.

Too bad there weren't more farmers. The speaker outshouted them, claiming that women do a lot of good.

Chremes pauses, remembering something.

But, you know, he also said you were good for nothing.

(caught off gaurd) He said what?

(thinking back) Well, first he said you're a fuckup.

Me? What about you?

No, he didn't say anything about me. (thinking again) And also, that you're a thief.

Just me?

That's right. And that you're an ambulance-chaser.87

Just me?

Yes. And the rest of us too.

(shrugging in agreement) Well, who could deny that?

And he said that women are a sensible and resourceful sort. And then he said that they never spill the secrets of their religious festivals88 but that you and I always leak government information.

(nodding) And by Hermes, he wasn't lying about that.

The two laugh, remembering various secrets they've spilled.

And then he said that only women can lend each other nice coats, gold necklaces, money, and crystal goblets. AND they always give everything back! Without witnesses, without stealing....But, he kept saying, most of us do steal.

Yeah, even when there are witnesses!

Women don't trump up charges. They don't prosecute. They don't destroy our democracy. In fact, he said, they offer great benefits. And he continued to praise women to the skies.

What was decided?

To hand the city over to women. Everyone agreed this was the one thing our city hadn't tried yet.

For a moment, Blepyros is mute with amazement.

(dumbstruck) So it happened.

Yes, sir.

(catching on) So now women are in charge of everything that men, the only real citizens, used to do?

That's right.

(still working it through) Wait. So, I don't have to go to court. My wife does?

And you don't have to support the kids you fathered anymore. Your wife does.

Blepyros starts to see the bright side of things.

And I don't have to drag my ass out of bed, groaning, at dawn anymore?

No sir. This is now the women's problem. You, my friend, can keep your ass at home, in bed. No groaning, just farting the day away.

(starting to panic) But wait. We’re old. I'm afraid that, now that the women have grabbed the reins, they'll force us to…

(also panicking) To do what?!?

Blepyros pauses dramatically.

To...fuck them!

(panicking more) What if we can't?

(nearly hysterical) Yeah, they won't give us breakfast!

The two start pacing frantically, trying to figure out what to do. Chremes mimes fellatio.

Just do this. That way you can eat and fuck at the same time!

(despairingly) Oh, it's just the worst when you're not in the mood!

They stop pacing and droop with resignation. Chremes takes a deep breath for courage.

Well, if it will help the city, every man should comply.

(still distressed, but trying) It's like that old saying: no matter how moronic and dumb our government, it will all turn out just fine for us.

Chremes shakes his head.

I sure as hell hope it will. But I've gotta go. You take care.

You too, Chremes.

The two men part ways and exit on opposite sides of the stage.

ACT III

The stage lights up as dawn turns into morning.

Later that morning, a chorus of women enters, still dressed as men

Step out! Go forth!
Is a man on our tail?
Turn back! Look out!
Nosy men are about!
Look ahead! Watch your back!
Some spy from behind might glimpse our design.

Pound the ground! Thump your feet loud!
We're facing disgrace
If the men find out!
You there-Keep the line tight!

Look back. Look front.
Look left. Look right.
Don't let disaster strike!

Let's make our move,
Get back to where we started.

Look, our leader's house!
She schemed and won the day!

Why wait? Don't linger.
No longer's the time for beards.
If we're caught, we're denounced,
enshrouded in fear.

Quick, over here! Hide in the shadows,
Behind this wall.
Be sure the coast is clear,
Change back to what you were.

But do it fast-I see our fearless leader,
Coming back from Congress!

And hurry...
Hate that bristly beard on your face.
This get-up has got to go!

Praxagora enters, still dressed for Congress.

(to chorus) OK, ladies, it looks like we've accomplished our objectives here. So rip off your coats before some man sees us. Your shoes have to come off. You there, untie those dress shoes. Everyone, drop your sticks.

The women scramble to remove their men's attire. Praxagora turns to Woman One.

You, keep them in line.

She turns back to the chorus.

I'm hoping to sneak inside without my husband seeing me. I've got to put his coat back and the other things I stole.

We've done everything you said. What else can we do to assist you? It's your job to show us, you're the smartest woman we know!

Stick around --I'll need you as my advisors for this new government. Back there in the fray, you really manned up against the enemy.

The chorus beams, then turns and marches offstage. Praxagora waits for a moment, then exits.

The stage turns dark, but a light gradually reveals Blepyros standing on one side of the stage. He is still wearing the nightie and mules. Two chairs stand next to him, indicating the house.

Praxagora tiptoes onstage, trying not be seen — but the motion catches Blepyros' eye.

(sternly) Where were you, Praxagora?

(innocently) Is there a problem, sweetie?

Yes, there's a problem. (Turns aside, to audience) She's not that bright, is she?

Prxagora strikes an ostentatiously indignant pose.

You're not accusing me of sleeping with another man, I hope.

(still talking to the audience, chuckling) Not just one.

Blepyros still faces away from Praxagora. Praxagora places herself squarely in front of him.

You can interrogate me if you want.

What do you mean?

She moves her neck near his nose.

See if my neck smells like perfume.

What? Are you telling me that a woman can't get laid without wearing perfume?

(aside, to the audience) I sure as hell can't.

So why did you sneak out last night with my coat?

A good friend of mine was in labor and wanted me there.

Couldn't you have told me before you left?

And neglected my friend in pain?

Well, you still could have told me. Something's not right here.

(with exaggerated exasperation) Goddesses almighty,89 I just went as I was. She needed me to get there as soon as possible.

So you couldn't have taken your own coat? Instead you left me here like a goddamned corpse, stripped and wrapped in a shroud! Only you forgot the flowers and formaldehyde.90

(meekly) But I was cold. And I'm so small and delicate. (She shivers dramatically.) I only did it to keep warm. And sweetie, I did leave you warm and snug in the covers.

Oh, so my shoes and cane just walked off with you?

I was...(improvising) trying to imitate you, stomping your feet and beating the ground with your stick...so I wouldn't get mugged.

Do you know that you've lost us our groceries91 for the week? I couldn't make it to Congress...

Don't worry. A baby boy was born.

Blepyros is only half paying attention.

In Congress?92

No, you idiot. At my friend's house. (baiting him by playing dumb) But Congress met?

Blepyros looks at Praxagora like she's the biggest idiot in the world.

God, yes. Don't you remember? I told you yesterday.

It's coming back to me…

(incredulous) So you don't know the big news?

(with wide-eyed innocence) Gosh, no I don't.

You'd better sit and straighten your panties for this one.93

He pulls up a chair and sits Praxagora down in it.

The news is that the city is being handed over to you women.

(playing it as dumb as possible) To do what? Clean?94

No, no, no. Rule.

Rule what?

Every single aspect of the city.

Great Girdle of Aphrodite!

She leaps from her chair enthusiastically.

Then the city's in good shape from here on out!

Why's that?

As Praxagora begins to speak, The Neighbor wanders in.95 He stands unnoticed, listening quietly to Praxagora speaking.

For a lot of reasons. From now on, no one will dare do anything immoral. There will be no more perjury, no more ambulance chasing…96

By God, you can't do that! You'd put me out of a job!

For Zeussakes, man, let the woman speak!

Both Blepyros and Praxagora jump, but Praxagora quickly recovers. The Neighbor pulls up a chair and sits down.

…no more muggings, no more keeping up with the Joneses,97 no more homelessness or poverty,98 no more slander, and no more foreclosures.99

Trident of Poseidon, that sounds awesome! If you're not making it up.

No, I'll prove it, as long as you'll be my witness and this guy (points to Blepyros) won't interrupt.

Music begins to play.

Rouse that clever heart,
that rugged mind of yours,
Defend your men, your valiant kin-the women in the fray.

Your voice cries out for new vision,
Success in life,
Endless benefits,
Honor for the city, power to the people!
The moment is here, the time is now.

The city needs our innovation,
something shrewd never done,
never even mentioned!

Do it now!

The crowd hates to see the same ol' thing,
Snap to it, and do what needs doing,
They like it best when we keep it moving.

The music stops. The chorus marches offstage and the Neighbor follows. Praxagora steps forward.

I'm absolutely certain that my plans will be effective. But the audience…(pointing at them all) I'm not sure if they're ready for real change, or if they're too stuck on tradition. That's my biggest concern.

Don't worry about instituting crazy new policies. That's the whole point of democracy — to neglect our traditions!

(with oratorical gravitas) Now, please do not interrupt me or oppose my plans before you understand my intentions and hear my full proposal.

Blepyros sits down and listens attentively as Praxagora outlines her vision.

My vision is for all people to unite their resources and share equally in everything. All citizens will thrive on the common stores. No longer will one man be rich while another remains poor. No longer will one man own acres of land, while another can't even afford a plot for burial. No longer will one man benefit off the backs of many slaves, while another has no one to help him.

Instead, I offer a single, common livelihood for all.

(interrupting) How will it be common for all?

(dropping the somber tone) Cut the crap, I'm almost there.100

(with earnest innocence) Do we have to the cut the crap equally, too?

Zeus on a cloud, you keep interrupting me! I was just about to tell you.

She sighs and gets back into character.

First and foremost property will be shared by everyone. Money too, and all other valuables anyone might have. Then, we will draw from the common fund to feed you. Since we are thrifty and competent, we will act as treasurers.

Blepyros still isn't following.

But what about the guy who doesn't own any property? Just silver and gold – you know, hidden assets?101

He'll put it in the pot. And if he doesn't, he'll be lying under oath.

That's how he acquired it!

His money will be worthless anyway.

How's that?

(patiently) Everyone will have everything they need, so no one will be forced to steal because he's poor: there will be bread, fish, rice cakes, clothing, wine, wreaths, and chickpeas.102 What could anyone gain by not contributing? You figure it out and get back to me.

Aren't rich people pretty much thieves, anyway?

Yes, my friend, they were under the old regime. But now, when there's a common livelihood, what could anyone gain by not contributing?

Blepyros sees a potential problem.

All right, well, what if a guy sees a young girl he's interested in and wants to poke her? He'd need his own money to buy her gifts. (more optimistically) But, I suppose, if he did get to sleep with her, he would get a piece, so to speak, ha! ha!

Well, actually, he'll get to sleep with her for free. I'll make sure that girls are available for sex – and for procreation, if anyone wants.

But wouldn't every guy go straight for the hottest girl and try to hump her?

The really ugly and pig-nosed girls will sit next to the pretty ones. When a guy is hot for a pretty one, he'll have to bang the ugly one first.

What about old guys like me? If I sleep with an ugly one, my boner won't be able to limp its way over to a hottie.

Cheer up, sweetie. They won't be giving you a fight. Don't you worry.

A fight? About what?

About not sleeping with you. You've already got that problem.

(sarcastically) Your plan makes perfect sense. This legislation ensures that no woman's funhole will go unfilled. But where will the men find fulfillment? Chicks will run screaming from the beasts, and straight for the babes.

The really ugly guys will shadow the hot ones after parties and tail them at state fairs. Women will be prohibited from sleeping with large, sexy men before pleasuring the small, ugly ones.

So goiter-nosed Lysicrates103will seem just as sexy as the hot guys?

Yep! That's the populist thrust! We'll brutally mock the rich and famous, even the ones sporting pinkie rings!104 Just imagine: a poor guy in sandals105 walks right up to a well-heeled young fellow and says, "Step aside and watch this! When I'm done, I'll hand her over to you for sloppy seconds."

But if we're all hooking up like that, how will a father recognize his own son?

What does it matter? Young people will think of all older men as their own fathers.

But then wouldn't they choke every old man, good and proper? They do that now, when they do know who their father is. Worse yet, if they don't recognize their dad, won't they shit all over him?

No. Bystanders won't just stand by anymore. Before, they didn't care if someone was beating up another guy's dad. But now, if they hear someone getting beaten up, they'll worry it's their own dad and go after the criminals.

Hmmm. What you're saying here isn't too dumb. But what if Epicurus or Lukolophos106 comes over and calls me "Daddy"? (shuddering) Now that would be nasty.

There's something far nastier than that…

What?

If Aristyllus,107 that butt-licker, calls you "Daddy" --and gives you a little kiss.

Then I'd make him cry and moan like a little girl.

Yeah, but you'd still smell like a poop-ermint…108

She chuckles at her own joke.

Don't worry, he's not gonna kiss you. Lucky for you, he was born before our legislation passed.

(relieved) Phew! That would have been horrible. (changing subject) But who's going to farm the land?

The slaves. Your only concern will be getting cleaned up for dinner as soon as night falls.

What about clothing? Where will it come from? Now that is a worthy question.

You'll be fine with what you have for now. In the future, the women will make more.

One last question. If someone loses a case in court, how will he have any money to pay the fine? It would be wrong to pay it from the common fund.

First of all, there won't be any court cases.

That's the worst thing you could say.

I get your point. But why on earth would there be lawsuits?

For a lot of reasons, by Apollo's quiver. In the first place, if a debtor defaults on his loan.

Where would a lender get money if everything is jointly owned? Clearly, he'd be a thief.

By the piglets of Demeter, that makes good sense. But tell me this, if someone is convicted of battery, how will he pay the fine – especially when he's drunk and disorderly? I'm pretty sure I've got you there!

He'll pay it from his own ration of food. Trust me, once his food's gone, he'll feel it right in the stomach and he won't be so quick to violate this law again.

So there'll be no more thieves from here on out?

How can someone steal from himself?

So there won't be any more nighttime robberies?

(pointedly) Not if you stay home at night.

(returning to her explanation) Seriously though, it won't happen, since everyone will have what they need. And if someone gets mugged, he'll just hand over his stuff. Why would he bother fighting? He can just go get something newer and better from the communal stores.

Won't men still gamble, though?

No, why would they?

Well, then, what standard of living are you offering?

The same one for everyone. I intend to make the city into one big household, breaking down all doors and allowing unrestricted access.

(concerned) But where will we eat?

I'll turn every courtroom and pavilion into a dining hall.

What good will the judge's bench do us?109

I'll turn it into a wine bar.110 And it can be a place for small children to recite poems about brave men in war, but also poems about cowards, if there are any, so they'll be too ashamed to join the feast.

That's lovely, by the curly locks of Apollo! What will you do with the machines that assign jury duty?111

I'll set them up in the public square, next to the Harmodius statue,112 and I'll use them to assign everyone a letter at random. That way, everyone will know what group they're in and saunter off happily to dinner. When the announcement is made, the Betas will go to the royal pavilion,113 the Thetas to the one next to it,114 and the Kappas will go to the warehouse pavilion.115

So they can drink to Kapp-acity? Ha ha!!

No, you idiot, just to eat.

But you'll turn away anyone without a group assignment, won't you?

That won't happen under our plan. We'll eradicate envy by providing everyone with everything. Each and every man will happily stumble home drunk by torchlight, with flowers in his hair. Women will line the streets, falling all over these carousers, saying, "Come to our place. A pretty young thing awaits you." Another woman will shout down from her balcony: "I've got one at my place for you. She's gorgeous with perfect skin. You can have her, but you've got to sleep with me first." Meanwhile those ugly guys tailing the hot, young ones will say, "You there. Where do you think you're going? You won't be doing anything at all, even if you are faster than me. We disgusting caveman types116 get to fuck first! It's the law. In the meantime, you pretty boys will just have to stand in the hall and jiggle your fig tree."117

She crosses her arms triumphantly.

So tell me, how do you like that?

A lot!

I've got to go to the town square to collect all the property coming in. I'll take along a spokeswoman with a strong voice. As your elected leader, it's now my responsibility to get the dining rooms set up so that today can be our first feast.

Blepyros licks his lips with anticipation.

Wow, we'll be feasting that soon?

Damn straight. But right now I've got to put a stop to every last one of those whores turning tricks.

Why would you want to do that?

That's obvious – so respectable women can get their hands on those cocky heads of state.118

The slave girls won't be able to deck themselves out and snatch lusty men away from free women. Those girls will have rough and scratchy pussies119 — they'll only get to sleep with other slaves.

(dreamily) Right on! I'll be right behind you, so I get some of the attention. Then they'll say, "Look at our leader's First Man120 – isn't he amazing?!"

He exits, humming a happy tune and imagining his new role as First Man. Praxagora and Chremes follow.

ACT IV

It's later the same day. Chremes enters, hauling an enormous cart of stuff behind him. Assorted slaves follow him.

I'll just take out my things and put them in order so I can bring my stuff to the town square.

He speaks affectionately to the objects as he takes them out.

Come out here, you fancy, fine flour sifter, favorite of my possessions!

You've sifted so many bags of flour for me. You're all powdered up anyway, so you can lead the parade.121

He sets it down.

But who will ride on the float?122

He rubs his chin thoughtfully.

Cooking pot, come here. (picking up the pot) How did you get this charred? You look as bad as Lysicrates' dye job!123

Let's put you next to the sifter.

He places the pot behind the sifter. He picks up a ladle.

Come here, flag girl.124

He places it behind the pot and picks up a jug.

OK, jug, you're a juggler.125

He roots around in the pile of stuff.

Where's my rooster? (eventually bringing out a live rooster) Oh, band leader,126 come out! You always wake me up at some ungodly hour – just in time for Congress.

He places the rooster behind the jug. It quickly breaks formation and wanders around the stage.

Chremes takes out several bowls.

You go on and carry the chunks of honeycomb.127

He continues to pull out implements, addressing each as he places it in line.

And the olives.128 And the cast iron pots and the oil.129 Bring out the little pots and the rest.130

A man enters, talking angrily to himself.

Hah. Should I hand over my stuff too? I'd be a senseless, pea-brained idiot if I did. By the beard of Poseidon, never!

He shakes his fist.

Before I do anything, I'll put this system to the test and watch it closely. There's no way in hell I'm tossing aside my hard work and savings like some moron. Not on an empty promise. Not before I see exactly what this is all about.

He notices Chremes with his parade of items

(still to himself) What does this guy think he's doing with all that stuff?

He moves closer.

(to Chremes) Hey. Why are hauling off your stuff? Are you moving? Or are you taking it to the pawn shop?131

Neither.

(indicating the parade of items) Then why did you line it up like that? Wait. You're not parading your items for the auctioneer,132 are you?

Of course not. I'm about to carry them into the town square and give them to the city. In compliance with the new laws.

You're gonna take them in?

Absolutely.

Zeus Almighty, you're a bonehead.

Why?

Why? It's obvious.

How so? Shouldn't I obey the laws?

The Dissenter mimes his disbelief.

What laws, you clownskull?

The new ones.

The new ones? How stupid are you?

Stupid?

Yes. In fact, you're the biggest asshat I've ever met.

Because I do what I'm told?

Do smart people do what they're told?

More than most.

No. A moron does.

So you're not going to hand over your stuff?

I'm holding off until I see what everyone else is doing.

What else could they do besides pack up their stuff and haul it in?

I'll believe it when I see it.

That's the word on the street.

That would be the word.

They say that they'll collect their things and bring them over.

They would say that.

You're killing me with all your negativity.

They would be negative.

Go to hell!

They would go to hell. (pauses for effect) Do you really think anyone with a brain will haul in their stuff? That's not the Athenian way. We're not givers, by the illegitimate children of Zeus, we're takers! Just like the gods. You can tell from the hands on their statues. Why bother praying for them to give us what we need, when they're standing there with their palms up? They're not offering a helping hand, they're looking for a handout!133

He imitates the statue, standing stiff with both palms up.

Look, you maniac, let me get back to what I was doing. These things need to be tied up. Now where's that rope I was using?

(Not believing what he's seeing) So you're really going to haul it in?

For Zeussakes, yes. Watch me add on these tripods right here.

He does so ostentatiously, defiantly piling them on top of his heap.

Dumbass. You should wait around to see what everyone else is doing. Then and only then…

(getting really annoyed) What? What then?!

Wait some more…(pauses dramatically) and then procrastinate even longer.

But why?

Just in case there's an earthquake, or an ominous storm, or a weasel that crosses your path.134That, you dickweed, would certainly stop them from handing in their stuff.

(sarcastically) Yeah, wouldn't it be great if there were no room for my things by the time I got there?

You really think that's going to happen? Don't worry, there'll be room even if you show up a few days from now.

How do you figure?

(pointing at the audience) I know these people. They vote for something without a second thought, then they refuse to comply with their own decisions.

(also gesturing at the audience) But they will, my friend.

If they don't bring it, then what?

Don't worry, they'll bring it.

(emphatically) But if they don't bring it, then what?

We'll kick their asses.

But if they're stronger, then what?

I'll up and leave.

But if they sell off your stuff, then what?

Go screw yourself.

And if I do screw myself, then what?

That would be awesome.

The Dissenter looks at Chremes in disgust.

So do you still want to haul in your stuff?

Of course. (scanning the audience and gesturing) Look, I can see my neighbors hauling in theirs right now.

(sarcastically) Yes, and I'm sure Antisthenes135 would add his shit to the pile. (chuckling) Of course what he really needs to do is take a real shit. For about thirty days...

Piss off.

The Dissenter rolls his eyes.

You can't tell me that tightwad dance captain136 Callimachus (he points at someone in the audience) will make his own contribution?

More than that overpriviliged general Callias137 — what a wastrel.

Yeah, that guy's already pissed away everything he owns.

Chremes pauses thoughtfully, taking stock of the conversation.

Why are you so hostile towards the new government?

Why is that hostile? As if I don't see laws like these passed all the time. Don't you remember the one about the salt?138

(resignedly) Yeah, I do.

And when we voted to mint those stupid bronze coins, don't you remember that?139

Yeah, you're right. That really sucked for me.

Chremes pauses, remembering

I had just sold some grapes, and had a pocket full of bronze coins.140 Then I went to the town square for groceries. Right when I was putting the groceries in the bag, I heard the announcement that bronze coins were no longer accepted as currency,141 (imitates announcer) "SILVER COINS ONLY PLEASE".

The Dissenter nods in agreement.

Mmmm hmmmm. And didn't we all just agree to the huge property tax that Euripides proposed?142 At first we all praised him up and down, but after a closer look we saw right through him. Then no one liked his plan, and we all wanted to tar and feather that bastard.143

Chremes puts his hand on the Dissenter's shoulder.

But my friend, it's not the same anymore. That's what happened when we were in charge. Now it's the women's turn.

The Dissenter pushes Chremes' hand away.

I've still got my eye on them, by Poseidon's aftershocks. (crossing his arms stubbornly) They're not going to piss all over me.

I don't know what you're ranting about. (to a slave standing by) Hey, you. Get that luggage cart.

A female announcer in official dress enters.

Calling all citizens! Now that everything is ready, come on out and hurry right to Praxagora's headquarters where Lady Luck will randomly assign a place for each and every man to eat!

She sees Chremes and the Dissenter, and addresses them.

The tables are set and loaded with everything you could possibly want. The seats are extra cushion-y.144The wine is ready to pour, and salesgirls are lined up with cologne to spritz.145 Seasoned fish steaks are roasting, juicy rabbits are skewered on spits, cakes are in the oven, wreaths of fresh flowers are joined by their stems, and fritters are frying for dessert. Attractive young girls are cooking up soup by the vat. That old coot Smoios is among them, suited up like some youthful equestrian. He's ready to ride, and he'll lick every woman's bowl clean.146

She looks off into the horizon.

And here comes dirty old Geron,147 laughing it up with another (miming air quotes) "young buck." He's in his snazzy light tunic and sandals. His old-man shoes and coat must still be at home.

She turns to the audience and citizens at large

So come one and all to our feast! A servant awaits you with a plate of appetizers.148 Make sure you come with mouths wide open!

She marches offstage. The Dissenter watches her go, with his own mouth wide open

Damn, I will go then. I mean, why should I hang around here, when clearly this is the right thing to do for my city?

He starts to walk offstage.

Hey, where do you think you're going? You never handed over your property.

To dinner.

Oh no you don't, not if these women have anything to do with it. Not before you haul in your stuff.

But I'm gonna do that.

When?

(putting on airs) Oh, I will, my friend, …when my schedule opens up.

What are you talking about?

I'm saying other people will haul in their stuff even later than me.

But you're still planning to go to dinner?

I have no choice. Certainly anyone with a brain would help his city in any way he could.

Chremes take a step towards the Dissenter.

But if they try to stop you, then what?

The Dissenter takes a step towards Chremes

I'll storm them head on.

But if they beat you, then what?

He raises his fists and mimes punches.

(raising one fist like an orator) I'll take them to court.

(Taking another step forward) But if they laugh at you, then what?

The Dissenter steps closer. They are nearly eye to eye.

I'll stand at the door and –

(putting his face in the Dissenter's) And do what? Tell me.

(Lamely, backing off) Steal food from people bringing it in.

They step apart. Chremes stands with his hands crossed.

Well in that case, make sure you show up after me. (to the slaves) Simo, Parmeno. Pick up all this stuff.

But wait, let me help you!

No way. I'm know what you're up to…when I hand over my stuff to Praxagora, you're gonna pretend it's yours!

He storms offstage. His slaves stuggle to keep up as they follow him.

(to himself) Crap. I need to come up with something clever so I can keep my own stuff but still get some of that food, like those other guys. Wait, I think I have an idea! No more wasting time—I'd better get to dinner right now....

He exits.

ACT V

It is now evening. Two houses stand on either side of the street. A street runs between them.

A door opens in the house stage left. A HAG leans out the doorway and looks up and down the street. There is an oboe player lingering on the side of the stage playing some music.

Why aren't the men here yet? They should have been here a long time ago.

She steps into the street. She is very old, wearing lingerie, and caked with makeup.

I went heavy on my makeup149 and I'm standing here decked out in my yellow lingerie – all alone, humming a little tune to myself, casting my net of love to catch a man as he wanders by. Muses, come to me! Inspire my voice with a sweet little love song!150

A hot teenager leans out the window of the house across the street.

I see you've made the first move, you hosebeast. You thought you'd pluck the fruit off the vine without me around, and lure a man in with your song. If you try that, I'll sing right back! (aside, to the audience) Even if our songs are annoying, try to have some fun with them.

Have your discussion with this.

(The hag makes an unpleasant gesture with her middle figure.)

Now piss off. (to oboe player) But you, my dear little oboe player,151 grab that instrument and play a tune that makes us both proud.

The oboe player starts playing, soon accompanied by a beat. The women prepare to throw down.

Wanna feel something nice?
Lie down here in my place.
It’s not the girls who’ve got the skill.
Cougars give a man a thrill.
Girls might lay, but they don’t stay, don’t appreciate their prey.
Here today, run away, find some other man to play.

Don't be jealous of us girls.
Hags like you? Make men hurl.
Bliss resides inside these thighs,
Softness peaks on these cheeks,
All natural here,
that’s factual, dear,
you can’t beat these mangos, here.152
So tweeze them whiskers, cake on that face -
Hope the Reaper likes his date!

So you wanna get pounded now?
I hope your or-i-fice falls out,
and your ass drags on the ground.
So you want a little sex?
Shove a python in your bed – one that’s limp, one that's flaccid.

The Hot Teenage Girl ignores the Hag.

(whining) Why does this always happen to me? My man hasn't come, I'm at home all alone, my mother is gone...(confidentially to the audience) You know the story.

She turns her attention back to the song.

Grandma, please.
On your knees, begging for a man to tease?
You need a toy,153 not a boy—
that's your only shot at joy.

You're the one with the Dildonian itch -
you put the 'F' in 'fellatrix'!154
But you won’t ruin this chance
or grab this man from my dance card
no matter how hard you try to take my little playmate,
you’ll never steal this date from my datebook,
I’ve baited the hook, now I’ve just got to wait.

The music stops. The Hag stands enjoying her triumph, while the Hot Teenage Girl remains speechless. They glare at each other for a moment.

Sing what you want and pop out like some weasel. No man will ever visit you before me.

(taking issue with her logic) Unless it's at my funeral.

Hah! That's a new one for a worn-out old hag like you.

Not really.

You're right. Nothing's new to a fossil.

(clucking) Now, now. Why should my old age cause you distress?

It doesn't. But your makeup does. You look like a dead clown.155

(Changing the subject) Why do you keep talking to me?

Why do you keep popping out of your door?

Me? I'm minding my own business, singing a song for a man close to my heart — Epigenes.

The HAG starts whistling to herself.

The only man who'll get close to you is the gerontologist.156

The hag puts her hands on her hips indignantly.

(scoffing) He'll show you. He'll come right up to me.

(pointing offstage) Here he is now.

He doesn't need you for anything, you little puke.

Screw you, you skeletal granny! He'll show you. I'm going inside.

Yeah, me too. Then you'll know how confident I am that he'll pick me.

They both disappear offstage, but the hag sneaks back on immediately. She crouches in wait.

A young man enters, drunk and singing aloud to himself. He does not see the hag.

How can I manage to sleep with that girl
And not have to pound an old lady?
They're nasty, they're ugly, they're pignosed, they're old.
It sucks for a man who is free!

The hag sings quietly --half to herself, half to the audience.

Crying and whining, you'll pound, sonny boy.
The day for young lovers is done.
It's right and it's just to follow the law-Democracy's just now begun!

(addressing the audience directly) I'm gonna watch now, and see what he does.

Epigenes approaches the Hot Teenage Girl's house.

(slurring his words drunkenly) Gods, please let me get this girl alone. I've come for her...(looking around). I'm drunk. And horny.

(talking to herself) Ha! I tricked that pain-in-the-ass old bat. She took off thinking I stayed inside. (to the audience) But here's the boy I was just talking about!

She begins singing.

Here, my love.
Come here, my love.
Come.
Stay with me.
All night.
Baby.
Love takes me and shakes me –
Your curls make me ache.
Lust grips me, it grinds me,
Oh, baby, it’s crazy!
Eros, release me.
Do this for me, please:
Drive this boy crazy.
And make him want me.

Epigenes sings in response.

Here, my love.
Come here, my love.
Come.
Run to me.
Let me in.
Baby.
I'm tripping and falling,
I'm down on my knees-to pass out in your lap,
and spank your sweet ass!
Aphrodite! Man-eater!
You're driving me crazy!
Eros, release me.
Do this for me, please:
Drive this girl crazy.
And make her want me.

He looks again at the girl and decides to change his tactic. The song switches to something a little more elaborate/romantic — not that it's good, mind you.

My words are weak --not like my need.
I'm begging you, sweetest, give ear to my plea!
Open the door and come on to me.
I’m standing here hoping you’ll call me right through.
I’m yearning, I’m yearning, I’m yearning for you.

My well-wrought gold sweetie, my sprig of Aphrodite,
Muse-honey, Grace-baby, face of my delight!
Open the door and tease me tonight.
I’m standing here hoping you’ll call me right through.
I’m yearning, I’m yearning, I’m yearning for you.

The Hot Teenage Girl disappears into her house. The hag approaches Epigenes.

(seductively) Hey there. Why are you knocking? (coyly) You're not looking for me, are you?

(confused) Huh?!?!

Well, you seem to be pounding on ( suggestively) my door...

I'd rather die.

Why else would you come here holding that....torch of yours?

(improvising frantically) Uh, I was looking for a man from Masturbion.157

Oh yeah, which one?

(still improvising) Well, you're probably thinking of Dikstiphanes.158

He backs away slowly.

I'm definitely not him.

(lunging aggressively towards him) By the tits of Aphrodite, whether you like it or not…

Wait! (trying to stall) Right now, my firm isn't probing cases over sixty. Those will come later.159

He looks over an imaginary docket.

We're still delving into charges under twenty years old.

That was under the old rule, sweetie. But now you must handle our cases first.

Only if a guy wants to…(weakly) at least that's how it is when you're playing a board game.160

Well you weren't playing a board game when you ate your free dinner.

(feigning ignorance) I don't know what you're talking about, lady, but this here (he gestures towards the door across the way) is the door that needs pounding.

(agreeably) Sure. (pauses) After you've pounded my door first.

I wasn't looking to borrow a flour sifter, granny.

I know you want me. You're just surprised because you've found me out and about. (She offers her cheek.) Put 'er there.

(stalling again) But honey, I'm afraid your lover will catch us.

Which one?

Why, the finest painter in Greece!

Who's that?

The guy who paints funeral portraits.161 Now get inside before he sees us out here.

I know what you want.

And I sure know what you want.

The hag grabs him.

Aphrodite willing, I'll never let you go.

You're out of your mind, little old lady.

Stop rambling. I'm taking you to bed now.

She starts dragging him towards her door.

(struggling to escape) Who needs fish-hooks—just throw this granny into the water!162

No time for jokes now, sonny. Just follow me.

I don't have to – unless you've paid the tax on my services to the city.

You'd better, by Aphrodite. (with anticipation) I sure do like sleeping with boys your age.

And I sure do hate sleeping with women your age. You'll never convince me.

The Hag whips out an official-looking decree and brandishes it.

This will.

What's that?

A law – one that says you're coming with me.

Oh yeah? Well, read it then.

I will read it.

She clears her throat.

Decree of the women:

Let it be known that, if a young stud shall desire a hottie, before he shall bang said hottie, he must first bang a granny. Should he be unwilling to perform the preliminary banging, and yet still attempt intercourse with the aforementioned hottie, be it the right and privilege of any granny to seize him without penalty and drag him....by the wiener.

Crap! Looks like I'm in for a granny gang bang today.163

(wagging her finger) Now, now. You must obey the law.

Can't one of my neighbors or buddies spring me?

Sorry. Men are no longer legally qualified to handle their own....transactions.164

Can't I swear in court that I'm exempt from this service?

You can't dodge this draft!

But I'm a pirate --at least that's what I'll claim in court.165

(imitating a pirate) Then I'll make you S-AAARRRR-Y!

What should I do, then?

(motioning toward her house) Follow me right over here.

Do I have to?

(with profound solemnity) A man does what he must.166

(resignedly) OK, then. First things first. For the ceremony, we're gonna have to find some nice satin, order some baby's breath and candles, line up a preacher and some holy water, find an usher for the door...

(dreamily) And don't forget to buy my bouquet!

Of course. We'll definitely need one—for the casket. (factually) You'll decompose as soon as we get inside.

Before the hag can respond, the Hot Teenage Girl shows up.

Hey, where do you think you're dragging him off to?

Inside. This one's mine.

Not if you're smart, you horny grandma. Talk about men marrying their mothers! Keep it up and you'll spawn the land of a thousand Oedipuses.

You skank! You're only saying that because you're jealous. (aggressively) I'm gonna get you.

Thank God! (to the Hot Teenage Girl) You've really done me a favor, sweetie, rescuing me from that old hag. In return, I'll do you a favor tonight... (suggestively) a big, fat one.

Another hag enters, looking ever more decrepit than the first.

(addressing the Hot Teenage Girl) Hey you — why are you dragging this guy away? That's illegal! By the letter of the law, he must sleep with me first.

Shit. You've gotta be kidding me. (to the second hag) Where did you slither out from, you decrepit reptile?!? (to the audience) This thing is even nastier than the last one!

Come here!

She grabs him by the sleeve.

(to the Hot Teenage Girl) Please, I beg you, don't let this hag drag me away!

'Tis not I, but the law that drags you.

'Tis not the law, but some matronly monster167covered in blood blisters.

Follow me, you pussy. Hurry up and shut up.

Please, just let me duck over here first and brace myself. Otherwise fear will make me brown my pants right before your eyes.

Buck up. Get over here. You can shit inside.

But I'm scared that I'll shit everywhere. I swear I'll be right back. I've got two trustworthy guys who will vouch for me.

Don't bother.

She starts dragging him offstage. A third hag appears and addresses Epigenes.

Where the hell do you think you're going with her?

Epigenes, busy fighting off the second hag, responds without noticing the Third Hag.

I'm not going. I'm being dragged. But God bless you, whoever you are, for not allowing her to grind me to a pulp.

He now looks towards the Third Hag and sees what she looks like.

O Hercules, O Goat-horned Pan, O Armored Male Dancers, O Twin Sons of Zeus!!168 This one's the nastiest of them all!

(turns to the audience) What the hell is this thing, I ask you?! Is it an orangutan plastered with mascara, or some hag-zombie freshly risen from the grave?

No time for jokes, sonny. Follow me.

No, follow me.

(grabbing Epigenes) I'll never let you go.

(also grabbing him) Me neither.

They both start tugging.

You're ripping me apart, you worn-out old corpses!

You must follow me. It's the law.

(correcting her) Not if another, even nastier hag comes along.

But if you completely destroy me first, tell me how I'll ever get my chance with that hot girl over there?

He gestures towards the Hot Teenage Girl's balcony.

(sternly) That's your problem. You have no choice.

OK, which one of you do I have to screw first to get out of this?

Don't you know? Come here.

(re: third hag) As soon as this one lets me go.

No, come to me.

(re: second hag) Only if that one lets me go.

There's no way in hell I'm letting go.

Me neither.

You two would sure make a mean pair of undertakers...169

What do you mean?

You'd drive your customers right into the ground!

Shut up and get over here.

No way! Get over here.170

Oh, woe, woe...woe! They've dragged me right up to the door!

You've run out of excuses. I'm right on your trail.

No, God, please no! Well, I suppose it's better to tangle with one enemy than two.171

(exulting in her victory) Yes, by God, whether you like it or not!

The action freezes. Epigenes steps forward and addresses the audience in the faux-tragic manner of a hero about to die.

Thrice-wretched am I! For now I must fuck a woman, rotting and old, all night and all day. And the very moment when I make my escape from her, I'll fall into the clutches of this (indicating the second hag) dying and goitered toad!172 Who could say this is not a wretched plight? For my heart is burdened and I am an unlucky man, by Zeus the Savior, I who am caged in with beastly fiends like these. And yet if I, an intrepid sailor, must suffer the insufferable at the hands of these nasty slags, then bury me at the mouth of the river. And at the head of my grave, take this old lady, wrap her in a shroud, encase her feet in cement, and set her up as my tombstone.

Epigenes sulks and exits stage left. The Hags follow him.

The Serving Maid enters stage right, followed by the Chorus Leader.

(tipsy and silly) You lucky people. I am happy. And my boss lady is the luckiest girl of them all. And all of you standing in front of our doors, you neighbors and townspeople, I am your serving maid. I am scented from head to toe with lovely fragrance, by Zeus the Seducer. These bottles of the imported stuff are the best.173 The best by far. They go right to your head and the effects linger.....All the others fade and fly away. (returning to her theme) And so these are the best. Really the best, by the gods. So pour the wine and make it a robust one!174 Connoisseurs of the finest bouquets, you'll be happy all night long.

Ladies! Tell me where my boss is — I mean, that guy who's with the boss-lady.

(pointing offstage) You'll probably find him if you wait right here.

(looking) Oh yeah. Here he is, coming to dinner.

Blepyros wanders on, finally dressed in men's clothes — but with a suspicious bulge in his nether regions. The maid runs towards him gleefully.

My boss! My lucky and wonderful boss!

(surprised at the maid's enthusiastic reception of him) Who, me?

Yes, you. Like no other man on earth. Who could be luckier? More than thirty thousand citizens have already eaten. You're the only who still gets to eat!

The Chorus Leader plays along.

Wow, you're right --he is a lucky guy!

to Blepyros) Hey, where are you going?

I'm going to eat!

The serving maid approaches him.

By Aphrodite, you're our very last customer! Your wife told me to get you and bring you to dinner along with these fine ladies.

The chorus begins to file quietly onto the stage. The Chorus Leader grabs the first two chorus members, pulls them aside, and steers them towards Blepyros. They swan towards him and put their arms around his shoulders, giggling.

(to Blepyros) There's some of the expensive wine left over, and some other tasty treats.

She turns to the chorus as it files in, clapping her hands smartly.

Don't delay!

The chorus is now on stage, waiting silently in the background. The Chorus Leader turns her attention towards the audience.

And if anyone in the audience approves, including the critics, yes, if they are agreeable - you should come with us! We'll take care of everything.

Blepyros, enjoying the attention he receives from his chorus girls, surveys the crowd thoughtfully.

Why don't you just invite everybody? Don't leave anyone out: be generous and include the old men, the young men, and even the boys.

He addresses the audience directly, taunting them.

There's a nice dinner waiting for every single one of you — if you go home.

(boasting a bit) But I'm already on my way to dinner.

He starts patting himself down.

And I've even got my torch back.

He produces a torch from under his clothing and waves it around. The young women watch admiringly.

(encouraging Blepyros) What are you waiting for? Why not grab these girls and go? While you're on your way, I'll sing a delicious dinner ditty.

But first I'd like to give a little advice to the critics.

She steps forward to address audience. Blepyros, the chorus, and the ladies freeze in the background.

To the clever men out there: recall the clever moments — and vote for my play!
To all you gigglers out there, think of those giggles — and vote for my play!
Come to think it, I demand that you all vote for my play!
Don't hold it against us that we were the opening act. That's just the luck of the draw.
Remember those rules you agreed to, and don't break them. Judge our chorus accordingly.
Don't be like those naughty prostitutes who only remember their last trick!

She turns to the chorus.

to the chorus) OK ladies, it's now or never. If we're gonna do this thing, let's dance on down to dinner.

The chorus and Blepyros unfreeze. The chorus starts to move about, arranging themselves, a la Bollywood, in preparation for their big dance number.

(to Blepyros) And you --move those feet in a pas de trois!175

Blepyros clumsily attempts a ballet step while the girls perform the same step well.

(proudly) I've got it down!

(still to Blepyros) Now follow these limber-legged dancing girls, moving to the beat!

Blepyros and the girls join the chorus while it is lining up. Most members are striking a pose, ready to dance.

(to the chorus, as it finishes arranging itself) Make it quick.

(to the audience, excitedly) They're about to serve pot-au-fillet-o-sardine-n-shark-n-cod-n-perch-a-la-pickled-curry-leftovers-en-sauce-de-sweet-n-soured-songbird-over-blackbird-a-la-triple-pigeon-delight-on-a-bed-of-rooster-roasted-lark-dipped-in-chickadee-rabbit-wine-reduction-topped-with-tasty-hot-wings!176

(pointing to an audience member ) You out there, bring a plate on the double.

Music starts playing. The chorus begins its dance.

Grab some gruel fast, hey hey177
On to the second course, hey hey.
They're stuffing their faces, hey eh eh eh.
Pick up the pace, hey eh eh eh.
We're gonna eat, ee ee ee ee
On to victory, oh oh oh oh!!

All actors exeunt, dancing merrily.

THE END